December 5, 2014

A Difficult First Christmas

I can’t ever remember having a bad Christmas. I was incredibly lucky growing up that I have nothing but extremely happy memories and despite my sister waking us all up at 3.30-4am every year my parents would let us get up and open all our amazing presents; the house seemed to buzz with sheer joy and happiness.

As the years went on the same house (my parents) was replaced with extra joy in the shape of a little Charlie. The same beaming smiles this time all for him. But this year there will be one less smile. And a whole lot of tears.

Christmas – the most wonderful time of the year; but not now. Not when you have to face the painful reality that a loved one is no longer there. All the traditions you once had and looked forward to for the whole year are not going to happen. Not this year. Not ever.

Writing and receiving cards without her name on. Everyone sat round the table when the centre of the family is no longer with us.

She loved Christmas. She made it something that we all adore. She sorted all the presents, all the decorations, all the fun. Now we face this year without her. The first of forever.

I will make Christmas perfect for my children as mine all were but it will never be the same. Never.

B xx

November 11, 2014

Another Milestone

Today is my birthday. But I feel no desire to celebrate or even enjoy this day. It’s just another first; a first of many when it’s thrust into the forefront that she is no longer here.

A card that is now just signed from my Dad. I can feel the anguish he must feel signing a card from just him. No longer a couple. No longer my parents now just my Father.

29 years ago I caused you severe grief. Hopefully since then I didn’t cause too much more. An eventful birth and lifelong of backache were the consequences on this day in 1985. As I am now a Mother you can’t help but too feel a sense of excitement when your child’s birthday comes around. No matter how many years go by you still cast your memory back to that moment when you first laid eyes on your baby. I was and always will be my Moms littlest baby. Half a year I’ve spent without her. Everyone tells me it gets easier – it doesn’t. It’s getting worse. The wrenching of your heart, the pain in your chest, the thinking in your head all when it comes crashing in – she’s not coming back.

I hate all of these “occasions” Fed up of plastering on a smile. She was not only my Mom but she was like MY twin. We had the same thought processes, same likes and dislikes, same ridiculous sense of humour. We saw each other pretty much everyday but if not an endless stream of texts and calls. How do you recover from a loss of someone like that?

Today is the day that she brought me safely into this world. She almost sacrificed herself in this quest and spent the day sedated. But she did it. And I got to spend 28 years proudly calling her my Mom. I can’t comprehend that I will spend the next 28 missing her. Missing her so so very much.

August 1, 2014

World Lung Cancer Day

Cancer. The word alone frightens most of us. It’s just six little letters. How can it be so utterly scary to read let alone say, but my god there’s few other words in the English language that can strike such fear into our hearts.
This word came properly into my life last July and sadly now has shaped the rest of my life. And even more heartbreakingly, my three young children’s lives.
Cancer. Just six little letters yet they have managed to turn my life completely on its head and do the unthinkable – take my Mom away. Forever.
Our cancer story did not have a happy ending. Nor will it give us a happy future but very very slowly my fanily and I are trying to come to terms with what cancer has done to us; like it has done to so many already and will do for years to come.

 

Today is World Lung Cancer Day – bet you had no idea did you? ( follow @kiss_lungcancer and get involved in their /redlipstickselfie day – text KISS76 to 70070 to kiss lung cancer goodbye) . The frightening part of lung cancer is that it is the biggest killer of women in the UK – yet do you know any of the symptoms? I didn’t. I had no clue.
You know all about breast cancer symptoms as the campaigns for breast cancer are glamorous – decorative bras, celebrities grabbing their boobs – but no one wants to talk about lung cancer. It’s a dirty disease and only dirty people who smoke get it. WRONG. If you have lungs you can get lung cancer. Simple as that.
Whilst breast cancer is the most common cancer in women in the UK, lung cancer comes in second place. However the survival rate between the two is shocking. Lung cancer is the biggest killer in women in the UK.
If you are diagnosed with lung cancer you have a 33% chance of surviving a year. JUST A YEAR. Even more heartbreakingly is there’s a 9.3% chance you will live for 5 years. This is compared to breast cancer survival rates – 95.8% of women will live for a year after diagnosis and 85.1% will live for 5 years. Please read this again
One Year:
Lung cancer – 33%
Breast cancer – 95.8%
Five years:
Lung cancer – 9.3%
Breast cancer – 85.1%
How frighteningly bleak. (Statistics from www.cancerresearchuk.org ) But admit it – you hear lung cancer, you immediately think smoking thus justifying a death. Again, if you have lungs – you can get lung cancer.
We can no longer be scared to talk about this taboo disease. More than 1 in 3 of us will have some form of cancer in our lives. With over 200 cancers we need to be aware, vigilant and TALK ABOUT IT. I know it’s not a topic anyone wants to think, let alone talk about, but I find it cathartic to write and read other stories – many with happier endings. I am going to open my blog to other people with a story to tell. A voice for people affected by this evil word. An outlet to share the roller coaster of emotions. There will be tears. There will be heartbreak. But there will be hope. Hope that one day that cancer will be a distant dream and no family will be robbed of their previous loved ones.
My Mom – I love and miss you beyond belief, now and forever.
B x