So What Happens Now?

“So what happens now?” I whisper desperately holding back tears that are threatening to fall from my stinging eyes.  My throat is dry and my heart is hurting. A question no one wants to ask nor do they want to answer – not in response to “there’s nothing else they can do”

Two years ago today was the start of half term. I had taken all three out to town and sat feeling smug in our favourite little cafe with my five year old and eight month old twins; I had made it out and was actually doing something other than an errand. 

“Text me when you get back”

A day of housework after our successful trip to town. Kids playing happily when my Dad and sister appear at the door. I hadn’t had a text, why hadn’t I had a text? Charlie is ushered upstairs as the world falls apart downstairs. 

I’m glad I never had a text. But I wish I hadn’t known what happened next. As what happened next still hurts like you wouldn’t know. Two years and just looking at the date on the calendar hurts. I really don’t think this new kind of normal is any cop. I just wish she was here with us now. So very very much. 

B xx