Tomorrow signals the end of an era; after eight and a half years there will officially be no children at home anymore.
You’d think after a very long summer holiday I would be jumping for joy – but I am a reception year parent. There’s only tears here! You see, the girls were born in the June when Charlie started school in the September. It was a crazy time with tiny newborn twins coupled with the fact my Mom had been diagnosed with cancer a few weeks before, so Charlie’s first day at school was somewhat overshadowed. Since Charlie started school, I have always been a stay at home parent. It was never the plan but it happened when Mom fell ill. I have always been there for school drop off and school runs, but always had little people in tow with me.
Last September signalled the start of the girls going off to nursery. They went every afternoon and I felt so emotional then, but nothing can prepare me for tomorrow. I know it is going to happen. There’s nothing that I can do to change this, but ti doesn’t stop me feeling any less sad.
Indulge me as I am not sad for them. No way, they are absolutely going to LOVE school and I know that they will have an absolute ball. They are really excited too and I am desperately hiding my sadness behind a big grin and words filled with enthusiasm. But I am sad, for me. I know, it’s not all about me but I am making it all about me because well, I need to release!
I realise what a complete an utter brat I sound when I say what will I do with myself. You must be screaming oh how fucking hard it must be to stay at home for 6 hours on your own five days a week. Three years ago I would have given anything in the world for some time on my own. I was all consumed by raising tiny humans that I just wanted a break. Those desperate days are a distant dream, replaced by the strange reality. They are gaining independence. I am a stay at home parent – with no children to parent.
I don’t really like being alone. I like the idea of it, but after about an hour the reality kicks in and I am bored. I spend way too much time alone as it is with a husband who works away. The kids are often my only company all day. During the summer, we forged into our awesome foursome and would go for a walk in the fields just to escape the same four walls.
I am constantly asked what I’ll do with myself and the answer is, I have no idea. What will I do indeed? I expect the next few weeks to be somewhat of a novelty for us all. But come the start of October, it will feel like groundhog day – for both the kids and I.
Knowing these are my last babies and that I will never do this again makes it all that bit more poignant. My baby days are well and truly over. I am no longer the person they look to 95% of the time. There’ll be parts of the day I have no idea what on earth they’re up to. They will go to someone else for reassurance, to tell their funny little stories to and I can’t help them when they need to. Six hours without them every day and it all feels a bit overwhelming.
For all the sadness I feel, I am more excited for them. School is not going to know what has hit them when these pair strut in the place. Their funny little quirky personalities will fill the classroom with double the awesomeness.
I’ll leave you on this note – when asked what she wants to be when she grows up, P1 answered simply “A skirt”