Three Years

Three years ago today was the last time I saw or spoke to my Mom. Three years since she took her last breath. Three years since I could see her, hold her hand, tell her I love her. Three years have passed and so much has changed in these three years.

I miss my Mom more than I could ever describe. We had such a close bond that it will be impossible to ever get over the loss I’ve experienced. I will never be able to full accept that at 28 I was left Motherless. My five year old and ten month old twins lost their Granny and our family was changed forever.

Three years have passed, but I don’t feel the crushing sadness I did three years ago. All everyone seemed to say was that time would help and I couldn’t;t understand why they were saying it. No time was ever going to help. The only thing that would help would be her back here and that it was all a horrible dream. But you know what? It does help.

I no longer feel as angry and whilst I still have that horrific thud in my chest where I feel short of breath and my eyes leak in utter devastation at how much I miss her – these are not as frequent as they once were.

In typing this, I feel like I am admitting I’ve got over he death and it’s time to move on. I’m not. It reads as though I[‘m forgetting her – I’m not. Not at all. I think of my Mom now more than ever, but the difference is I smile in doing so. I feel so lucky that I had such a fantastic Mom and so many wonderful memories to last a lifetime. My Mom got to see me get married and stood beside me on my wedding day. She got to meet and love her three beautiful Grandchildren that were the apple of her eye. I feel privileged to be her daughter.

There are times when I am lost. When I’d give anything in the world to turn to her for advice then I realise – I have her instinct. Her intuition and I know that whilst I lost her wisdom far too prematurely, she instilled it all in me. I learnt from the best and I am able to apply it to my children. Except the having friends over _ I always said when I had kids I’d let them have their friends over whenever they wanted – proved you wrong Mother!!

At the age of 59, my Mom was too young to die. She had so much to live for and with my babies off to school in September, it would have given us the opportunity to strengthen our bond. She would have stood beside me giving me the strength to wave them off onto their big journey. On that day, somewhere I know she will be thinking exactly the same as me, whilst bursting with pride. Her baby’s babies off to school. How old are we all getting?!

Grief has gotten easier but the loss still stings. I don’t ever want it to stop stinging and know it won’t because that signifies the colossal impact she had on our lives. Three years ago our world fell down around us, yet here we are. Standing strong, smiling and being guided by the best one of all.

B xx

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6 Comments

  1. 27th April 2017 / 7:55 am

    I don’t think you’ll ever stop feeling grief at the loss of your Mam, but it’s good that you can now think of her with a smile instead of overwhelming sadness. She’d be very proud of you I’m sure. Sending you my love today pet xx

  2. 27th April 2017 / 8:48 am

    Thinking of you Beth. It is clear from your words that she was a wonderful woman and she was cherished, and cherished you. xx

  3. 27th April 2017 / 9:56 am

    Sending the biggest of hugs!
    I’m sure she would have been very proud of you and your children.
    Thinking of you x

  4. 27th April 2017 / 10:43 am

    Oh Beth! Sending you love, all the love! I have very close bond with my mum and I can’t imagine how lost I would feel without her. xx