Wasted Time?

November is upon us already and immediately our thoughts turn to Christmas and the New Year. The countdown is on and before we know it we will be in 2017. 2017 is going to be a big year for us. The biggest so far. My babies will be off to start school.

I know it’s 10 months away and this post seems somewhat premature, but I am getting more and more pangs of guilt as starting school creeps towards us. In truth? I wonder if I have wasted our time together. I have been so lucky that I took redundancy when the girls were just three months old, so they have never had to share me. They’ve never had to wave me off of a morning and wait for me to return of the evening like their big brother did. They have had me 24/7 and I have often pondered if this is a good or bad thing?

You see, when I did go back to work when Charlie was 1, I did four days a week meaning that the three days I had off with him I really made the most of. I would leave the house at 7.30am usually when he was still fast asleep and not be back until 4.30pm on my work days and with a bedtime at 7pm, it didn’t give us much time; so I ensured that we really maximised our days together being careful to try and savour our time together. However, being a stay at home parent sometimes feels the complete opposite.

It can be so full on that there are days where all I have craved is ten minutes alone to shower, go to the toilet or just sit on the sofa and flake out. The crazy school run in the morning has left me feeling a little dazed so we often just came home where I have flaked out, or gone straight into housework mode meaning that the girls were left to their own devices. And I feel crap for it.

Come September, all the chances to pop out for breakfast or an impromptu trip to the park or soft play will no longer be an option. My babies no longer will “be mine” that I can scoop them up and head off as and when I wish. The ties of 8.45am to 3.15pm means we are confined and restricted to what we can do.

The trouble is you always think you have time…

Have I made the most of our time together? No. I really don’t think we have. The chaos that twin life brought us has meant it’s been far too easy to make excuses. To not want to venture out as the thought alone was too overbearing. Those carefully planned days off just haven’t materialised and being a stay at home parent at times, makes me feel like I’ve failed at being a good Mom. I know that I am so lucky that my kids have been able to have me raise them and not had to go to childcare. There will be people reading this, furious that I am in this very fortunate position and I haven’t made the most of it – I know. I suck! But sometimes, you miss what is in infront of your eyes and whilst we have had lovely days together, I still feel rotten.

My kids have been lucky to have a routine ands always know who will be picking them up and that I will be there to pick them up if they need it. But I just hope that what can be perceived as doing very little – means the world to them. My Mom gave up her job to look after us and whilst it may not have seemed as if she “did much” to know she was there was more than enough. I hope my kids feel the same way too.

B xx

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  1. 3rd November 2016 / 8:51 am

    Looking back in to my childhood, I can’t remember every day. I remember snippets of fun days, and any stand out moments like day trips and birthdays. But what I remember most is that I was loved, and that my mam was there when I needed her. Your children won’t look back and remember the time you did housework while they played on their own, but they will remember that you read to them every night or that you took them to Disneyland. We really do put too much pressure on ourselves as parents. You are an awesome mum and you are doing a great job and all three of your kids will remember that when they grow up x

  2. 4th November 2016 / 2:48 pm

    I think to children any time that you spend with them is quality time. It isn’t the crafts etc that you did with them that they remember when they grow up, it’s how safe you made them feel when you hugged them, how you were there for them and how much you showed you obviously loved them. You’re an amazing Mum

    Stevie xx

  3. Margaret Gallagher
    4th November 2016 / 9:14 pm

    Its the little things that i remember most from being little
    We didn’t have lots but what we had was loved and cherished and a respect for ours and other people’s things
    Makes me cringe when i see children demanding this and that and getting it !! Your children will thank you when they are older –read to think what a lot of our future generations will be like x

  4. Deborah Clarke
    5th November 2016 / 8:48 am

    Time goes so.so fast . My eldest has just turned 14 ! The years have absolutely flown by. I think weve made some great memories though.

  5. Laura Tovey
    6th November 2016 / 10:16 am

    Time does go too quickly, especially when you have your children because they just grow up so fast

  6. Kim Styles
    6th November 2016 / 10:32 am

    I remember my mum doing household at home while I played happily, just enjoying her being there not needing to be busy going here and there with her, just having her there. I also remember at a later time her having to go to work and having to let myself into the house after school and getting my own tea, but she came home later and was there for me to help with my homework and we had the weekends together. Either way I have great memories. its was having a mum there for me that loved me and cared that mattered not how the hours of the day were spent.

  7. 8th November 2016 / 7:16 am

    People keep asking when am I going back to work, Elsie starts preschool in January (I’m not sure what job people think I can get that takes people on for 1.5 hours a day!!!!) But anyway…I’m happy to not go back to work. Not because I am lazy, but because I want to be there for the kids when they have school things. I want to be there when they need to see a doctor, when they are poorly and need the day from school I want to care for them guilt free.

  8. Stevie
    8th November 2016 / 3:55 pm

    I was the eldest so please try not to forget how daunting going to school on your own is.

  9. 15th November 2016 / 12:00 pm

    I always feel like this too. I feel guilty about everything! I think we are too hard on ourselves though!