“Happy birthday Mom!”
Today you should have turned 62, instead you aren’t here.
Another birthday which hurts. A birthday spent at a graveside. A birthday where I write a card that remains forever sealed, ask a florist which flowers will be best for a grave and another birthday that is anything but happy.
This is the third birthday of yours where I’ve not been able to text you at the crink of crook. The third where I haven’t agonised and struggled over what to buy the most difficult person in the world to buy for! Three birthdays without you. It’s like some morbid tally chart and the saddest part? We aren’t going to reach a number and it’ll change. No. There will be no other birthday ever where I get all these things back. We won’t go out for a meal again all together to celebrate ; there will always one space missing at the table .
No matter what, I will still always write your birthday on our calendars, for the 16th September will forever be etched on my mind. This is one day that is just YOU. Not like the anniversary of your death, that is a shitty date that shouldn’t bear any significance in our lives – but it does. And that date has a big black cloud draped all over the whole month of April. There is absolutely nothing to celebrate about that day. But today should be different.
I said to Charlie it was your 62nd birthday and he said “but she was 59?” he couldn’t process it all. You will forever be 59. You’ll never get wrinkly and grey. You’ll never deteriorate and fade away. You’ll always be the fit and healthy 59 year old, who had the most wicked dry sense oif humour and the most selfless caring person I knew. I am glad that that is your lasting memory in all our minds instead of becoming so frail and so ill. You not only were the best person I knew, but the bloody strongest. I am cut from the best cloth, from you.
Wherever you are, I love you. We all miss you so much. I could wish forever that you were here with us, but I now know that will get me nowhere. Happy birthday Mom. All your babies miss you so very, very much.