Forever 59

“Happy birthday Mom!”

Today you should have turned 62, instead you aren’t here.

Another birthday which hurts. A birthday spent at a graveside. A birthday where I write a card that remains forever sealed, ask a florist which flowers will be best for a grave and another birthday that is anything but happy.

This is the third birthday of yours where I’ve not been able to text you at the crink of crook. The third where I haven’t agonised and struggled over what to buy the most difficult person in the world to buy for! Three birthdays without you. It’s like some morbid tally chart and the saddest part? We aren’t going to reach a number and it’ll change. No. There will be no other birthday ever where I get all these things back. We won’t go out for a meal again all together to celebrate ; there will always one space missing at the table .

No matter what, I will still always write your birthday on our calendars, for the 16th September will forever be etched on my mind. This is one day that is just YOU. Not like the anniversary of your death, that is a shitty date that shouldn’t bear any significance in our lives – but it does. And that date has a big black cloud draped all over the whole month of April. There is absolutely nothing to celebrate about that day. But today should be different. 

I said to Charlie it was your 62nd birthday and he said “but she was 59?” he couldn’t process it all. You will forever be 59. You’ll never get wrinkly and grey. You’ll never deteriorate and fade away. You’ll always be the fit and healthy 59 year old, who had the most wicked dry sense oif humour and the most selfless caring person I knew. I am glad that that is your lasting memory in all our minds instead of becoming so frail and so ill. You not only were the best person I knew, but the bloody strongest. I am cut from the best cloth, from you.

Wherever you are, I love you. We all miss you so much. I could wish forever that you were here with us, but I now know that will get me nowhere. Happy birthday Mom. All your babies miss you so very, very much.

B xx

 

 

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7 Comments

  1. Bev
    16th September 2016 / 6:52 am

    Thinking about you all.

  2. Margaret Gallagher
    16th September 2016 / 8:24 am

    Love to you all
    May not be here but always with us

  3. 16th September 2016 / 9:19 am

    Sending you the biggest of hugs.
    Thinking of you x

  4. Deborah Mackenzie
    16th September 2016 / 4:07 pm

    it isnt easy when we lose a parent; there are so many days I wish I could call my mom. It’s those days when you want to ask advice and know they would be the best one to ask. #missingmoms

  5. Victoria Prince
    17th September 2016 / 9:56 am

    There are just no words are there? I wish there were, but I can’t find them – so I will just say I am thinking of you, life can be so very cruel.

  6. Rachel Craig
    17th September 2016 / 10:18 pm

    Mum is such a Special person. She lived and loved you, that is something to Treasure.

    Grieving a loss is such a personal thing, and takes time.

    You will always love her, and frequently think of her. She would want what is Best for you.

    Unfortunately we are not able to keep our loved ones alive and with us. But we can always remember them,and Celebrate their life in our thoughts and possibly actions.

    I have had Special people in my life, I much appreciate the time I had with them. May I be lucky enough to meet other kind, Caring, Supportive, Understanding people in the future. They will never replace those that have left ( through death). But maybe I can continue to find people with good within them. As we live on till our own time comes. Take Pleasure in the knowledge that if her spirit can be with you, it will, and will be watching over you.

  7. A S,Edinburgh
    23rd February 2017 / 2:33 am

    Sorry if this is the wrong time to comment. I was passing and didn’t want to not acknowledge the beauty of this tribute. I’m sure she was a wonderful woman.

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