Two 

Two years.

I did it. Two years. I never thought it’d be possible but I’m still standing. Two years. How has it been two whole years since I last saw you alive? The last time I spoke to you, held your hand, felt your warm skin. Two years. It feels like last week but somehow we have had to face so many days without you in it.

So much has happened in two years. Life has changed so much. There are days when I wake up and for a split second I think oh I’ll text Mom – before I remember. Above all else, it hurts so much that you have missed out on your three grandchildren. I know that when facing your diagnosis this was the one thing that floored you. Knowing you wouldn’t get to see them grow. I am so very sad that they don’t get to have such a wonderful amazing person in their lives every day. Their lives would be filled with so much more love, happiness and wonderfulness if you were here. My days wouldn’t seem so long when I’m on my own. The looming nursery days where I will left alone wouldn’t seem so daunting if you were here. But you aren’t.

And I’m starting to accept that.

I have to accept that.

I could spend every hour of every day wishing you were here. Longing to see you one last time. Make one more memory, have one more cuddle. But I can’t. I would do it if I knew it would happen. But it won’t.

My Mom should never ever have died so young. My babies should have been able to get to know her. Cancer denied us all of this. At a time where everything had fallen into such a wonderful place, it turned it on it’s head and life as we knew it, changed irreversibly.

But here I am. Two years on. Emotionally I have been on the longest craziest rollercoaster I ever thought existed. I don’t think I’ll be hopping off anytime soon, but it’s slowing. It’s more manageable. I smile more than I cry at memories now. I know how lucky we were to have all that time together. That’s not to say that something so tiny can’t pierce my chest and make tears drop from my eyes out of the blue. You’re never far from my thoughts. There were too many things that we shared. Too many in jokes, too many songs with connotations – it doesn’t just go away. I can appreciate these that bit more instead of feeling so angry, so bitter, so lost.

Grief is like a cut; the initial pain is excruciating. Blood pours out creating such agony as it flow but slowly it stops, and scabs over but ultimately you are left with a scar. A scar that will never heal, will never go away and you can never ever forget it’s there. It becomes part of you and you accept it. You just have to.

I am so lucky that I got to call her my Mother. That I learnt so much from her and can hand on heart declare – no regrets.

I will miss her forever. Two years ago, my world fell apart. Watching a loved one die will change you in a way you can never begin to fathom. But my hearts feels that little bit less heavy. I treasure mementoes and memories. I am so proud to be her daughter and as more days tick by, the more I appreciate how wonderfully brilliant she really was.

smile-because-it-happened

B xx

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9 Comments

  1. Elaine
    27th April 2016 / 6:14 am

    I can see how you’ve grown in the past year, your mum would be so proud of you. No-one can take those memories away & you can tell what a great mum she was by seeing how amazing you are with your 3 xxxxx

  2. 27th April 2016 / 8:34 am

    Sending you the biggest of hugs! Thinking of you x

  3. 27th April 2016 / 7:56 pm

    Beautiful post. I love the Dr Seuss quote at the end, it’s perfect. I think you will always feel grief of some kind, always remember her with a tear in your eye, but the fact that you can also remember with a smile on your face now is brilliant. Ending big hugs your way xx

  4. 27th April 2016 / 8:32 pm

    Beautifully written. She sounds like an amazing lady. My friend lost her mum a year ago and I think I will give her a big hug this week. Hope you are ok xx

  5. 27th April 2016 / 8:34 pm

    A beautiful post, you’ve come such a long way. I think your description of grief is so perfectly put. Your mum sounds like the very best of mothers and of people. A wonderful tribute to her and a fitting quote to end with. Sending love your way x

  6. 27th April 2016 / 8:37 pm

    Oh Beth, what a beautiful post. Life is so unfair sometimes. Sending you and your family strength and hugs x

  7. 27th April 2016 / 8:49 pm

    A beautiful post lovely, thinking of you xx

  8. 29th April 2016 / 10:11 am

    Losing your mum is so difficult, your description of grief is so accurate. I feel my scars everyday but like you the memories are the ones that make me smile now, not cry. I love your post, it’s so emotional but so mature and uplifting too. Your mum would have been so proud of you. Don’t think of the things she’ll never do, just keep in your heart those special memories. xx

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