What can I say that I haven’t said before. Today is hard. As was yesterday and the day before and pretty much every day since we found out.
Today is Mother’s Day. I am a Mother, three times over. Three people in this world call me the best title I could ever ask for. Even when my brain feels frazzled at yet another “MOMMMM” request, I don’t think I’ve held such a title before.
When I think of what a Mother is, obviously mine pops into my head; for she showed me and taught me what a Mom is. I look back and there are so many parallels but also quite a few big differences in how I am to how she was.
I used to follow my Dad around when I was little like a shadow but as I got older and my sister became a grumpy teenager, something switched and the force of sarcastic immature humour took over and merged into this amazing bond that whilst was mother and daughter, was actually so much more.
Brains on the same wavelength finishing each other’s sentences and knowing instantly what the other was thinking. Secret code languages and in jokes. From my teen years, our crazy size grew and jokes intensified. We were both happiest when being so silly. I still have my crazy sense of humour and my children get to share my flamboyant side with discos after tea where we sing and dance along to songs at the top of our voices. So similar but at such a differing age.
On Mother’s Day today, my children have the innocence I did as a kid. The day was about painting a card or making a little gift to give to your Mom. Your Mom who cooks your tea, puts out your clothes, tucks you in at night. For me as an adult now, Mother’s Day highlights how much she did for my sister and I, and how shit it is that she’s not here. My kids are missing out sharing their childhood with the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met, who even when terminally ill never once moaned, complained or put herself first. She devoted her life to her family and was dealt a shitty unfair hand to leave us so young.
I’m a Mother without a Mother. And I hate it. I feel empty and hollow. Nowhere to turn when I need guidance and reassurance on how I’m doing bringing up my babies. There is no one else who can give you that same boost and security as your Mother. Even as an adult, I would revert to a child listening and respecting (almost!) everything she said.
Today is another day just as tomorrow and the day after. A new kind of normal that we shouldn’t be living but whether we like it or not we are. For my babies whose pictures and cards I will treasure forever on this day.