Letting Yourself Go

I sit here before you today a complete shadow of myself. When I look in the mirror I cannot recognise the person staring back.

My hair is greying more and more each day to the point where I can’t tie it back without a wave of silver poking through. My eyes are bloodshot and dark circles seem to be taking over the majority of my face. There’s barely a scrap of makeup and no jewellery hangs from my ears. My body has been hit the worst; neglected and fed with comfort and convenience and clothed to hide away my ever prominent lumps and bumps.

Wow. I didn’t think it was possible to let yourself go this badly.

But not only that, I have no identity. I am only known as Charlie’s Mom or the one with the twins. It’s bizarre. And very sad.

I’ve fell into this abyss and really don’t know how to get out and the more upset I get the deeper the hole gets. Any excuse possible I will use to blame something else for this but in reality the reflection staring back at me is the only one accountable.

Each night I go to bed after getting unchanged and vow tomorrow I will make those changes. But they never come. Instead a little side step here and a naughty snack there – it’s not going to end. When did it get this bad?

I know it’s incredibly awful to admit – but I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I always have but the weight gain and extreme negative attitude has been amplified and I am deeply deeply unhappy.

I sound hideously ungrateful. I am a Mother to my three beautiful babies and for that I’m eternally grateful. My body carried them all and they were born healthy so for that I’m amazed but I can’t help but feel that I’m to blame for everything since then body wise

I wish this post would end with some philosophical quote and a huge vow to break free and turn it around. But it isn’t.

It’s a cry for help – but who and where I am crying to? Only I can take that first step but not just step, make sure I keep on walking.

B xx

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6 Comments

  1. 13th November 2015 / 9:30 am

    I think we’re in the same place at the same time. Sending you hugs my lovely xx

  2. 13th November 2015 / 4:24 pm

    Oh bless you. You have had a huge amount of other peoples needs to deal with though and often it takes time and space to make those changes you need to make – and when they are so little it’s almost impossible to find that time and space. Don’t beat yourself up as that makes everything worse and the cycle continues – instead be kind and trust that it will happen when the time is right x

  3. 13th November 2015 / 6:36 pm

    Bablar!!! I always think you look beautiful. I generally think I am terrible and gross and ugly and just vomit inducing. It’s got worse as I’ve got older and I keep hoping something will change. Some days it’s OK other days it’s not. And it is hard. Really hard but I suppose we just have to keep on trucking (that doesn’t even make sense but hoping you know what I mean!) xxx

  4. 14th November 2015 / 9:20 pm

    I recognise this place you have slipped too. I’m always trying to pull myself out of this particular hole. It does change, the motivation will come. Love yourself, and be kind to yourself. Life is busy, and it sounds like you need to make some time for you x

  5. 15th November 2015 / 7:01 am

    Oh Beth. I feel so sad to read this. Because I have fallen into the whole too. Its been so long since make up touched my face, and a brush touched my hair. In fact just last week my hair was so matted the hair bobble got so stuck the only way to get it out was to cut my actual hair. My long hair in 1 patch (visible patch) is now approx 2 inches long. As horrific as that sounds I hope it also makes you laugh..well I say that because if I didn’t laugh I’d cry! Chin up treasure your awesome xxx

  6. 15th November 2015 / 9:04 pm

    aw Beth I feel exactly the same I feel like such a frump and no longer have time to do my hair ( which is greying) and make up. I often feel such a mess , let’s vow to make more time for are self and get back to being more then just someone’s mummy xx

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