I sit here before you today a complete shadow of myself. When I look in the mirror I cannot recognise the person staring back.
My hair is greying more and more each day to the point where I can’t tie it back without a wave of silver poking through. My eyes are bloodshot and dark circles seem to be taking over the majority of my face. There’s barely a scrap of makeup and no jewellery hangs from my ears. My body has been hit the worst; neglected and fed with comfort and convenience and clothed to hide away my ever prominent lumps and bumps.
Wow. I didn’t think it was possible to let yourself go this badly.
But not only that, I have no identity. I am only known as Charlie’s Mom or the one with the twins. It’s bizarre. And very sad.
I’ve fell into this abyss and really don’t know how to get out and the more upset I get the deeper the hole gets. Any excuse possible I will use to blame something else for this but in reality the reflection staring back at me is the only one accountable.
Each night I go to bed after getting unchanged and vow tomorrow I will make those changes. But they never come. Instead a little side step here and a naughty snack there – it’s not going to end. When did it get this bad?
I know it’s incredibly awful to admit – but I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I always have but the weight gain and extreme negative attitude has been amplified and I am deeply deeply unhappy.
I sound hideously ungrateful. I am a Mother to my three beautiful babies and for that I’m eternally grateful. My body carried them all and they were born healthy so for that I’m amazed but I can’t help but feel that I’m to blame for everything since then body wise
I wish this post would end with some philosophical quote and a huge vow to break free and turn it around. But it isn’t.
It’s a cry for help – but who and where I am crying to? Only I can take that first step but not just step, make sure I keep on walking.