Mourning The Future

See, when someone close to you passes away you grieve for your loss. You have your memories in your heart, mementoes to treasure and photographs to look back on which provides a sliver of comfort in the darkest hours. 

It’s been 16 months since I lost my Mother and I think I am now slowly coming to terms with the fact that she isn’t coming back. 

For a long time I believed that I was doing things for a purpose and that she would somehow come back to give her seal of approval, but I am now trying my hardest to accept she has gone. Mourning what you have lost is so hard – but what I am struggling more and more with is the fact that the future too had been robbed. And this is proving all too much. 

You see, the past provides memories but the future seems vast, bleak and just empty. 

As I see the girls pottering about playing in my parents garden pangs of extreme sadness engulf me. Her words when I was pregnant of “I can’t wait to see them walking in here together” hauntingly echo through the walls each time we step into her house. 

This innocent act of them toddling around stung at me as I realised yet again what she is missing. Here they are in her garden and she’s not here to see it. She isn’t going to wander over and show them where their Mommy fell off her bunny bike and made her nose bleed nor will she lift them up to pick the blackberries in the hedge at the bottom of the garden nor can she shout her friend over the fence to come and see her pride and joy. 

It’s heart wrenching to know that every new day there are precious little moments that would have meant so much to her and I can’t share them with her. The small little things that I wouldn’t think of sharing with most were always the things that meant the most to us both that we could share and giggle at. 

I feel like my whole life is always going to be like this. May sound dramatic. May upset people but that’s how I feel. No happy day can ever be 100% happy because there will always be an ache in my heart, my eyes will prick and throat go dry when that all familiar lump appears because something has triggered this awful grief. 

She should be here!! Why isn’t she here? This is all she wanted. She wanted simply to be Granny and watch her girls grow like she did with her Charlie boy. 

And I so bloody wish she was here. To stand next to me and giggle at P2s silly dancing and Awww at P1s beautifully kind nature all whilst being amazed at how big and wonderful Charlie has gotten. 

Instead, I stand alone. The empty space next to me feels magnified as I have no one there to turn to and share the silly little moments with. I walk into the house and the sofa she sat seems desolate and lost without her. There’s no fanfare when they walk in – and the cruelest of all, she never once got to see them walk in the house together. Another dream unfulfilled. 

People tell me with time it this grieving process gets easier and whilst in one respect it has, in every other respect its getting worse. The thought of not having her here for the rest of my life is  somewhat unbearable. 

I feel like everything will always have the taste of her loss hanging over it. I can never ever smile with all of me. She was too young to die. There was too much left we never got to do. There is so much she has missed and Jesus Christ there’s way too much that she is going to miss. Cancer has quite simply ruined my family – and our future. Every smile will always have a slight shadow over it. 

I just really really miss my Mom. 

B xx 

[this is exactly how I am feeling right now. Grief is not a competition as to who has suffered the most. Nor does grief have an expiry date]
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11 Comments

    • September 3, 2015 / 10:38 am

      I’m so sorry you lost her, nothing anyone can say can make it any easier and just writing it down is amazing. Just believe she is around, she’s still there with you seeing her beautiful grandkids walk in her lovely home together. She will be so proud and so happy to see them and although you can’t see her – she is there. You may even get little signs, a butterfly, feathers etc. I don’t know exactly what I believe in, but I definitely don’t believe the end is the end and I’m sure she is watching over you and smiling. This is such a lovely read and I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to write.

      If it gets too much maybe get some help from a doctor for some coping strategies, I know I’d need it. Good luck and sending lots of love xxx

  1. September 3, 2015 / 10:32 am

    Sending you so much love. The way you are feeling just goes to show how much your mum was loved. She must have been a great woman.
    Your grief won’t ever go away. You will just learn to deal with it better. You will anticipate when the grief will be harder and adjust to it. And from the outside it will look like your grief has passed. Never be afraid to be be outwardly sad. Those who have lost someone will always understand x
    Karen recently posted…Sunday Stars 30th AugustMy Profile

  2. September 3, 2015 / 9:01 pm

    Aw hunni big hugs and I can totally relate as on happy days I never feel 100% happy either. Special days you will always miss her, even the odd random day years down the line you will think it is unfair and she should be here and have a cry. But it does get easier in that I think you just get use to it and learn to cope with it. She will always live on in your heart and you will be able to tell your girls all about her. I know it is not the same but you wont ever forget her, its been 10 years now for my mum and I remember every little thing about her. I like to think they are watching over us somewhere and she will be so proud of you, the girls and Charlie. big hugs xxx
    Lindsay @ Newcastle family life recently posted…Slimming World Week 18 – The One With The Shock Weight LossMy Profile

  3. September 3, 2015 / 9:41 pm

    I know words are just words and they can’t fix anything and I can’t write a comment that will take it away. But I’m sending you all my love xxxxx
    Katie recently posted…Share Your Baking Fails & WINMy Profile

  4. September 7, 2015 / 7:27 pm

    Big hugs to you Beth. She is watching over you somewhere and she will be always be with you. I lost my nan in May and the littlest things remind me of her and make me sad. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to loose your mum. Thinking of you xx
    wendy recently posted…Time for a blog breakMy Profile

  5. September 7, 2015 / 8:45 pm

    Oh honey, I can’t imagine how you feel. But you never need to apologise for how you feel. Cancer is a cruel and abdominal disease. It rips families a part and there is nothing that can be done to put the pieces back together. I just wish that I lived nearer so that I could give you lots of hugs and be a shoulder for you to cry on. Can I also say that you write beautifully and that I felt every word of this post. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
    Mrs H recently posted…Our recurrent miscarriage story: SadnessMy Profile

  6. sandra ralph
    September 14, 2015 / 11:28 am

    what a heartbreaking post, its so difficult to come to terms with a loss. but it does slowly get easier as the years pass. I am sure your mum is watching over you and your children and smiling upon you x

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