Unless you live under a rock you will see that we are in the grips of a ruddy heat wave. Not just a few hot days A HEAT WAVE people – this is not a drill. Along with your make up, deodorant and ability to walk upstairs without keeling over, our rationale goes with it. Just as with the snow as soon as that Mercury starts climbing us Brits go a little bit loco and start having crazy ideas such as:
- Look into getting air con installed in your house because a couple of days a year warrants this thousand of pounds system to ensure you can sleep and it’s definitely an investment (so the husband claims)
- Go out in full on swimwear. It’s ok when you are abroad and no one knows you as your waddling about with your pale flesh on show but when the little old lady from number 11 sees your bingo wings and muffin top in all its sweaty glory it’s safe to say your relationship is ruined forever
- Drinking at any given time of the day. But remember you do actually have kids. And they will wake up in the sticky heat. A LOT.
- You install a pool and/or hot tub in your garden and spend half of the heat wave filling it up, all whilst totally forgetting that 95% of the year you’ll freeze your arse off if you even look at it as it becomes a swamp haven
- We start looking at buying a convertible cars. It quite possibly is the only way to travel in this climate dahhhling
- You irrationally start taking photos of your car temperature gauge totally forgetting that you have parked it in the sun for the best part of 8 hours so of course it’s going to be sky high but hey, it looks good on Instagram
- You start chatting to strangers about how hot it is and love nothing more to berate people claiming it’s too hot, whilst you mop the drippy sweat that’s trickling down your boobs, telling them they’ll be moaning when it’s raining
- You swap a bra for a bikini top thinking you’re super trendy with it poking from under your vest but forget you have mammoth boobs and bikinis with no support will flash everyone and probably give you a black eye of your sweaty betty cleavage as you run to stop your toddler drinking from the hose pipe and soaking the neighbours over the fence (sorry to my neighbours. Thank god I only have one set)
- You message every single person who is on holiday abroad to gloat that the UK is hotter than wherever they are. And probably tag them on your Instagram car gauge photo just to rub it in
- Take endless photos of your feet in the garden to annoy everyone who is at work but totally fail as no one is jealous of you lying on a manky deckchair with your recycling boxes and rubbish bins in the background – hardly the tropical climes and idyllic setting is it?
- Listen and read ridiculous sayings such as “suns out, guns out” – no. Just get out.
It’s ever so muggy, when is the rain coming? My garden needs a water…!