My Skin and I

Everyone tells you as you get older you grow and feel more comfortable in your own skin, and in a way, yes I have gotten more confident in the person I am now, but the skin part – no. Not at all.

I absolutely hate my skin.

There. I said it. I know it’s not very politically feminist or PC to admit you hate a part of you and you should accept what you are and love yourself – I can’t help it, I hate it. It has made me so desperately unhappy over the past 19 years to the point where some days I don’t even want to leave the house as I feel so disgusted by it not to mention far too self conscious.

You see, when I started secondary school that’s when your typical teen spotty skin kicked in, but for me – it was more than that. The zitty chin or big pimple on the end of your nose would have been amazing for me but I had full blown acne – and it was incredibly painful. I would get big hard angry spots that resembled boils which used to appear on my jawline causing immense pain if I happened to merely brush my hand across my face. But physically, I could cope but I had no idea how much bad skin would affect me as a person well into adulthood.

Still now as a 29 year old married Mother of 3, I struggle to maintain eye contact with people when my skin is bad, particularly in bright lighting I revert back to the shy 16 year old who was so self conscious about her face that she used to stay in on a Friday night purely because I felt my face looked so revolting. Each day when I force myself to look in a mirror (which is rare as I dislike my reflection) all I can see are these hideous acne scars. My skin now pitted from the years of harsh spots that ravaged and damaged my skin and I feel like my scarred skin looks hideous. Nights out still are hard for me; standing in harsh lights when I’ve got make up on results in me feeling hideous. I would rather lurk in the shadows than have what feels like people staring at my skin. 

And at 29, it makes me so sad that I still get these feelings.

I feel worse because I have 3 kids that I so desperately do not want to pass these insecurities on to. I don’t want them to ever feel ugly or not go places because their skin makes them feel that low. I know there are people who have it much much worse but to me, it ironically the insecurities go far more than skin deep.

I may be almost 30 but my skin still causes me much physical and emotional pain. Whilst the spots have gotten fewer over the years the scars have grown again, physically and mentally. I don’t think unless you have had acne that you understand how hard it can feel just to look someone in the eye as you often see their eyes be drawn to a problem area and what little confidence you have plummets through the floor. People have commented that I come across as rude and abrupt, even arrogant as I don’t chat much and don’t look at them but it’s all a result of these feelings. I am also asked why I hate having my photo taken and why there’s so few photos of me – there’s your answer folks!

When I was younger and the “if you could have 3 wishes” question came out, one of mine would always be to have perfect skin. Not having to wear layers of foundation to try to conceal the ugly scars seemed the idyllic solution yet in reality – I don’t know if there is one. 

I am rubbish at make up and with incredibly oily skin to match it’s hard to find a decent make up to give me coverage and not make a pale ginger haired lady look orange! 

If anyone has any products or had any microdermabrasion please let me know as I’m willing to try anything! I don’t want sympathy or people to say oh your skin looks fine – to me it isn’t. And probably never will be as my issue  really is more than skin deep. 

B xx

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  1. 9th June 2015 / 6:50 am

    Oh huni. I used to have amazing skin then mine went down hill. My step sister suffered really badly in our teens. Only ever let me see her and put make up on. It’s so tough as its your face and everyone looks at it making you feel even more conscious about yourself. Sometimes my skin makes me look like death warmed up. Making me conscious and when I get spots etc, Urgh. I have been using Dermalogica recently. The preclense prevents spots. But I’m not sure if they do a medicated one. I’m also going for microdermabrasion this Friday. I’ll let you know how I get on. Could you book in to have a free face mapping session with Detmalogica? You are so right about issues running skin deep. I’ve had eating disorders most of my teens and early twenties. I tell you, school years a super tough. But from what I know of you Hun, you are gorgeous inside and out and I can’t wait to meet you. Xxx

  2. 9th June 2015 / 6:52 am

    Oh lovely, I’m so sorry you feel like this. I don’t know of any miracle products, but I didn’t want to read and run. I know you don’t want people to say it, but I’m genuinely sure you look lovely. As for seeming rude, I get that too as I’m quite shy and ridiculously bad at small talk!
    Alana x

  3. 9th June 2015 / 9:10 am

    Oh love that is such an honest post and I wish I had a magic wand for you. There must be something that can help, like Kat said maybe microdermabrasion or how about laser therapy? I know we haven’t met yet but I know you are a beautiful person and it won’t make your insecurities go away but I do hope knowing you have so many blog friends helps your confidence. Lots of love xx

  4. Irene
    9th June 2015 / 4:47 pm

    I’ve had issues with acne since I was a teenager too and I can completely relate to your feelings. Having tried ALL the products, I’ve found the best ones to be the Dr Murad acne complex. Pricey but worth every penny. It contains salicylic acide and after a while it works like microdermabasion. It exfoliates the top layer of skin bringing cystic acne to the surface where they eventually just come out completely. It’s not a quick fix, but I swear by it. Works well on scars too. Good luck xx

  5. 9th June 2015 / 7:34 pm

    Oh lovely. I hope you find the product that works for you. It’s awful that you have such insecurities about it, but it is such an important part of the body isn’t it, that people always see? So I can understand why you feel this way. I had awful acne when I was a teen and it was so bad I was teased. It got better however I still don’t have great skin. I’ve always had blackheads and very greasy skin. My Sister’s is stunning – flawless and it isn’t fair! I hope you feel better about it soon – although I have met you and you looked very beautiful to me xxxxx

  6. 9th June 2015 / 7:36 pm

    Oh lovely, this must have been so hard for you to write. I honestly did not notice anything at BlogCamp, nothing at all! I know that won’t magically make you feel better, I just wanted to say. I’ve never really had acne so I don’t know how you’re feeling, I can only imagine and that’s awful enough. Sending big hugs your way xx

  7. 9th June 2015 / 8:41 pm

    Aw huni it must be so awful for you feeling like this, i hope that you somehow start feeling better about yourself soon as you are a wonderful, kind and brave lady and i am looking forward to meeting you next week xx

  8. Clara
    10th June 2015 / 8:33 am

    What an honest post. Your skin looks gorgeous to me! I used to suffer from bad skin breakouts and used so many products, resurfacing etc and you know what now I am 30+ I can look back and see it was those products that were stripping all the goodness from my skin. Less is more. Try some oil based products, the last thing you would want to use on irritated skin but trust me they will work in time. And if you can, invest in a regular facial with a person you can trust (and who is not trying to sell you all of the products they use on your skin).

  9. kim neville
    10th June 2015 / 12:50 pm

    I hate my skin too. I used to have really bad eczema when younger and have lots of scars. People notice more when its warmer weather and makes me feel more conscious of them :-/

  10. 15th June 2015 / 1:12 pm

    Such a brave post lovely, and sorry it has taken me so long to pop back over to comment. My brother suffered from acne when he was in his early 20’s and I remember how self-conscious it made him. It was hard to see him so unhappy with his face. Sending lots of love and hugs xx