30 Signs You’re Almost 30

1. You flick through Heat magazine and don’t know who the hell these people are. Where’s Cat Deeley and JLo?
2. You and your friends now go for meals and afternoon tea opposed to clubs and pitchers of woo woos in the local Wetherspoons on a Friday night
3. You find yourself saying “ooh isn’t that lovely” when walking past Marks and Spencers new womenswear department instead of Topshop
4. In a quest to be cool again after the M&S comment you rush into the closest trendiest looking shop but then are flummoxed – is it a top? Skirt? Dress? Bag? This is hurting your head. Back to Marks and Sparks you go…
5. Someone mentions 1998 and you feel like it was a few years ago – NOT SEVENTEEN RUDDY YEARS AGO!
6. Your friends are either getting married, having babies or running marathons.
7. Your metabolism has well and truly abandoned you
8. It takes you at least three days to recover from a rare night out
9. On said nights out you will all choose somewhere with lighting and soft music so you can hear and see each other chatting  
   
10. You now discuss which is the best Spanx opposed to watch outfit you want to buy from Ann Summers for slutty sexy Halloween parties
11. If you are unattached without any children you probably won’t be able to read this post over the noise of that biological clock that is thumping away like a pneumatic drill as your elders in society have convinced you that you need “the whole package of a husband, house and kids” by the time you’re 30 otherwise you will end up a spinster…
12. Your search engine contains key search words such as “flat, comfy, baggy and sensible” followed by some clothes/shoe words
13. You holiday in the UK because the words 18 to 30 haunt you when even contemplating going abroad
14. You always carry tissues, baby wipes and paracetamol with you
15. Your cars always have 5 doors with a large boot and low tax
16. You actually click the “nearby schools” tab when house hunting and sit and read Ofsted reports
17. You don’t recognise any songs or artists if you turn on radio one
18. You have to google boy band members ages just to check its legal that you want to lust after them
19. High waisted jeans are your new best mate. So long skinnies!
20. You are willing to pay a bit extra for a nice wine that you actually enjoy and don’t get a hangover from opposed to 3 for a tenner that gets you drunk quicker and saves you buying as many drinks when out
21. You watch your kids TV shows and say “they don’t make them like they used to” whilst fondly remembering the legendary Bungle, Zippy and George
22. You pretend you are Anna when belting out Love in an Open Door and your kid shames you by pointing out you’re pretty much making up the words
23. You have an ever growing collection of exercise DVDS from random zlist reality TV stars because all those drunken kebabs and burgers when you were 18 are now catching up with you
24. You always carry a bag for life as you begrudge paying a penny for a bag. Don’t they know we have a mortgage to pay?!
25. You turn your nose up at the 14 year olds on their lunch break trying on the tester lippys in superdrug forgetting that’s what you used to do as you were skint
26. You cannot believe how many grey hairs you have already – this isn’t going to stay away til your 40s are they?!
27. You cannot believe that you were at school almost HALF YOUR LIFE AGO!
28. You pray no one wants to arrange a reunion after they realise number 27 because of number 26!
29. You’re probably planning a lavish 30th birthday but will probably sit crying mourning your 20s
30. But really – can’t wait as being 30 is so sophisticated dahhhhling!

So raise your glass, dye your hair and embrace that you are about to enter the coolest decade of your life. 30 is the new 20, right?! Remind me in November.

B xx