I’m Sorry

Since going from it just being you Charlie to  you and your sisters, I have more and more felt like I’ve become a bad Mommy. In the space of 2 years I have had to come to terms with a tough pregnancy, a ludicrously large bump that housed 2 little ladies at once thus making me tired and not able to do much and the aftermath of my hideous body that a double pregnancy brings but most of all before the sleepless nights and utter exhaustion kicked in, our world fell under the cancer spell. And my darling, I still feel in like I’m stood right under that cloud.

I’m sorry you have seen me cry

I don’t ever remember my Mommy, your Granny, cry. She was a very tough lady and people say I am so like her but you get to see that I’m not all that strong. See, when you used to ask me last year how old I was and I would reply 28 you thought that was SO OLD! But really Char, it’s not at all. And when you’re 28 and you don’t have your own Mommy that is really really horrible. 

I try not to cry now as much as I did a year ago, yet I’ve tried to stop doing it so much when you’re around. That’s usually what happens when I say I need to pop upstairs or go and wash my hair. I don’t want to make you feel sad but I think you know how sad I really am. 

I’m sorry that I shout and make you feel sad

I jokingly asked you who shouts the most thinking you would say your sisters as they love to stand and squeal at you but it stopped me in my tracks when you replied “you”

I have noticed I do shout a lot more. I feel very tired a lot and with Daddy working away so much I sometimes struggle being on my own Monday to Friday so often. I lose my temper that little bit quicker when I have to do everything alone but I will always try to apologise when I have really told you off. I hope you forgive me. 

We have an incredible bond you and I, we can fight the world together! I feel like as you get older and your world is becoming about football and computers that I no longer fully “get” all the things you’re into. Long gone are the days where we would put on our wellies and look for muddy puddles like Peppa Pig and cuddle under your tiny blue blanket as you drank your bedtime bottle. You are growing up – in more ways than one as your rather short school trousers now prove! But Char, let’s not bicker?

You sometimes drive me crackers with your answering back and moody glares if I ask you to do something and we then fight but please remember, bickering aside I love you regardless of all this – even when you lose your PE kit!

Don’t change Charlie. Your kind heart and lovely nature makes me so proud you call me Mom (still throw in the odd Mommy!) I’m sorry I nag and moan; I will try to change. 

Next time I ask who shouts the most I really hope the girls are your answer. 

B xx