I’m Sorry

Since going from it just being you Charlie to  you and your sisters, I have more and more felt like I’ve become a bad Mommy. In the space of 2 years I have had to come to terms with a tough pregnancy, a ludicrously large bump that housed 2 little ladies at once thus making me tired and not able to do much and the aftermath of my hideous body that a double pregnancy brings but most of all before the sleepless nights and utter exhaustion kicked in, our world fell under the cancer spell. And my darling, I still feel in like I’m stood right under that cloud.

I’m sorry you have seen me cry

I don’t ever remember my Mommy, your Granny, cry. She was a very tough lady and people say I am so like her but you get to see that I’m not all that strong. See, when you used to ask me last year how old I was and I would reply 28 you thought that was SO OLD! But really Char, it’s not at all. And when you’re 28 and you don’t have your own Mommy that is really really horrible. 

I try not to cry now as much as I did a year ago, yet I’ve tried to stop doing it so much when you’re around. That’s usually what happens when I say I need to pop upstairs or go and wash my hair. I don’t want to make you feel sad but I think you know how sad I really am. 

I’m sorry that I shout and make you feel sad

I jokingly asked you who shouts the most thinking you would say your sisters as they love to stand and squeal at you but it stopped me in my tracks when you replied “you”

I have noticed I do shout a lot more. I feel very tired a lot and with Daddy working away so much I sometimes struggle being on my own Monday to Friday so often. I lose my temper that little bit quicker when I have to do everything alone but I will always try to apologise when I have really told you off. I hope you forgive me. 

We have an incredible bond you and I, we can fight the world together! I feel like as you get older and your world is becoming about football and computers that I no longer fully “get” all the things you’re into. Long gone are the days where we would put on our wellies and look for muddy puddles like Peppa Pig and cuddle under your tiny blue blanket as you drank your bedtime bottle. You are growing up – in more ways than one as your rather short school trousers now prove! But Char, let’s not bicker?

You sometimes drive me crackers with your answering back and moody glares if I ask you to do something and we then fight but please remember, bickering aside I love you regardless of all this – even when you lose your PE kit!

Don’t change Charlie. Your kind heart and lovely nature makes me so proud you call me Mom (still throw in the odd Mommy!) I’m sorry I nag and moan; I will try to change. 

Next time I ask who shouts the most I really hope the girls are your answer. 

B xx

Follow:
Share Post

11 Comments

  1. 15th May 2015 / 11:26 am

    Aww this is so heartfelt. How awful for you to not have your mum at 28. So sorry. I don’t have my dad and it’s an odd feeling. You lad sounds awesome and you have so much strength to keep going with 3. The odd shout here and there will be ok. Keep going and lots love xx #wotw

  2. 15th May 2015 / 11:45 am

    Aww! Such a honest and heartfelt post!
    Sending love and hugs!

  3. 15th May 2015 / 1:29 pm

    Oh, Beth, you have me in tears. You’re a fabulous mum, and your bond with Charlie sounds so strong and so special. I hate the thought that my son will one day be no longer interested in muddy puddles and snuggles, though I know it will come. You’re doing a great job, hugs to you x Thanks for sharing with #WotW

  4. 15th May 2015 / 6:22 pm

    Oh, your post has made me teary … so beautiful and heartfelt. You sound like a lovely Mum. x

  5. 16th May 2015 / 6:34 am

    Oh Beth honey *hugs* this is such a heart felt post. I’m sure regardless of all the shouting if someone was to ask Charlie is you were a good mommy, I’m sure he’d tell them you were the best mommy in the world! From what I’ve seen you’re such a fantastic mommy and always there for your gorgeous little ones.xx

  6. Merlinda Little ( @pixiedusk)
    16th May 2015 / 1:22 pm

    Its so … I hugged my son after reading this. I hope somewhere in their hearts they will know that we are human and we get mad and affected by things. I really dont know what to say but thank you for sharing an honest post. #wotw

  7. 16th May 2015 / 9:55 pm

    Oh this is so from the heart; a real tear jerker. So sorry to hear that cancer has struck your family, and for you at such a young age. But our children love us, and are very resilient and it sounds like you and Charl have such a strong bond with each other that a few shouts and squabbles won’t change that.
    This is a lovely letter to him and one day he’ll read this and really appreciate all you’ve done for him.
    I’m not wiping away a tear and will give my little ones an extra kiss when I go to bed tonight
    xx
    #WordOfTheWeek

  8. 18th May 2015 / 6:58 pm

    This is a beautiful post Beth! I have a post in my drafts about how I feel guilty for my older two having to take a back seat because of Harry so I know how you’re feeling. But you’re doing a fantastic job and a great mum, Charlie loves you no matter what x #WotW

  9. 19th May 2015 / 8:00 pm

    Awww such a gorgeous post, I think that parenting is so much about guilt it feels a little but unfair! I do worry about how Boo would be if we ever where to have another, which I don’t think is likely. I can imagine it must be a big change to deal with for both him and you and your husband!

  10. 28th May 2015 / 8:04 pm

    What a lovely letter to Charlie. It sounds like you have so much on your plate, I hope it gets easier for you soon. Sending hugs x

  11. 29th May 2015 / 4:44 pm

    This is a really lovely post. Thank you so much. X