A big cloud is slowly up overhead. I’ve been trying to get rid of it for sometime but it’s creeping over more and more. No matter how hard I try to brush it away it is here to stay. It’s not just the stench of a sneaky poo – it’s the horribke dawning realisation that my girls really are growing up.
I had to perform an emergency nappy change last night. You know the one – it hits you like a freight train as you put your first foot on the bottom step and your eyes burn from the whiff coming from upstairs. With twins it’s that bit harder and longer as first you have to establish who the culprit is and sadly the smell test at 11pm with minimal light is my tried and tested method, as quite frankly why wake up two babies for the sake of a sniff?!
So post bum change, I scoop a dazed P1 in my arms and memories of standing for hours trying to settle her come flooding back. Her tiny body fitting so perfectly in my crossed arms which are wrapped around her to make her feel safe as I support her tiny body and fragile head and the warmth she oozed as she fought sleep so desperately and the fact I was the last thing she saw when she finally gave up the fight and closed her little eyes.
But last night was different. She thrashed around and seemed to just want to get back into her bed. There was no drawn out snuggling and head stroking whilst whispering how much I love her (occasionally coupled with a few pleas of go to sleep!) but nope – this kid wanted her bed ASAP and that was that. As soon as I laid her down she grabbed her panda and proceeded to almost instantly drop back into the deep sleep I’d awoken her from. I stood waiting tentatively for her to cry or check I was still there – but it never came.
I sloped out the room feeling a little dejected. How are my twins almost 2? TWO!! They are so incredibly independent and my role of chief “looker-after-er” (it’s a word!) seems to be incredibly limited. I know they still are reliant on me but with an incredibly high chance that these whirlwinds are my last babies it makes me so sad that it’s flown by so quickly. I haven’t been able to full appreciate the journey as its been so crazy but also tinged with such sadness.
There were nights that I stood crying rocking a tiny baby to sleep because I was so physically and emotionally exhausted. To get her to settle seemed to take forever yet whilst this felt like a chore at the time I forgot to take in the feeling of having this little dot in my arms who loved and needed to be there.
Why are we so desperate to get the sleeping problems out of the way instead of embracing that it’s part and parcel of the journey and quite often some of the most special parts of it? When else do you get complete and utter 1 on 1 time cuddling your child, when you are the most important thing to them and embrace the fact that you are the only person they want?
Hindsight is a great thing and I’m sure after 11 months of continual broken sleep I know this post would be a very different one with lots of expletives but isn’t that just part of being a parent? It’s too easy to wish away time as it feels never ending and when that wish comes true – you’d trade it back in within a heartbeat because who can resist the feeling of your baby in your arms radiating pure love – oh and the whiff of a toxic poo now and then!