Dear Twinderelmo Blog

I love to write posts that I would love to sit at a screen and read chuckling away to myself; my posts about crazy toddlers, why people shouldn’t just drop by and how to blag your kid a star role.
But then there’s posts like this – which no one really likes. It’s ok honestly I’m not offended! It’s just… No one wants to read about grief and even worse – death.

It’s not a topic that most feel comfortable with. I can blog about it but that doesn’t mean I’m ok with it. Far from it. Death scares me. Not the actual act – the lead up if you get one and then the long agonising bleak aftermath of it all. How the scary D word rules your day to day life. How it fills you with rage at the most pettiest of things. How it can rip a family into tatters. How it robs a complete picture of every future memory. How the tiniest thing can set off a tsunami of tears that feel they will never stop falling.

My blog has in a bizarre way become like an outlet for grieving, cliché as that sounds. I don’t want to go and see a bereavement councillor because I would not be able to speak the words through the thick stream of water that pours out of my eyes every time I attempt to make sense of the last 18 months. There would be no point.
But my blog – listens.
If no one reads my post – I genuinely don’t mind because at that point in time I wrote down exactly how I felt and exactly what I wanted and needed to say. I used my crutch to prop me back up and realise I can’t crumple and fall. I have to carry on; albeit some days this carrying on malarkey appears to be a mountainous task.

You reader, may quickly skip these posts even delete me from your twitter feed and hey, that’s fine, I totally get it. But I envy you. I envy the old me who probably would have done exactly the same and skipped on, as my life was so simple and loss and grief never even registered in my life.
But now – I feel compelled to read everyone’s story.
The pain they share that I can empathise with. I furiously read paragraph after paragraph in the desperate hope that it may offer some solace and even answers. With every person who has that pang of extreme grief in their chest – there’s a story behind why they feel so weighed down Before I never would have taken the time to really absorb the enormity of it all. Yes I’d think it was sad, perhaps shed a tear or two but that would be it. Now I feel in a bizarre way connected to others. They can offer me pearls of their wisdom and try to reassure me that I am normal. And that I’m not alone.

My dearest blog you have allowed me to read others stories. To have people come to you and offer me comfort at a time when I really really need it. To most blogging is just that but my little Twinderelmo blog you’re so much more to me.
B xx

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25 Comments

  1. 9th January 2015 / 8:01 am

    Beautifully written, I can completely relate, but not totally understand how you feel. However, I do feel comfort in the way you can express yourself.

    Thank you for writing and sharing this, it reminds me that it’s ok to grieve. xx

    #wotw

  2. Zoe
    9th January 2015 / 11:01 am

    Beautifully written and so heartfelt. Thank you for sharing. Sending love x

  3. 9th January 2015 / 12:21 pm

    A beautifully written post lovely!

    Always write for yourself, do not worry about what others say and think. They are not important! All that is important is that you love what you are doing and you can be 100% yourself!

    Sending you big virtual hugs

    Laura x x x

    #wotw

  4. Potty Mouthed Mummy
    9th January 2015 / 12:45 pm

    This is a beautiful post, just lovely xx

  5. 9th January 2015 / 1:03 pm

    Hey don’t apologise. Just write it, when you feel it. I think a lot of people find writing on their blog helps with dealing with a number of things. And is a great way of helping to cope. And I bet many, many people read it and relate. That’s what is great about blogging. So post away lovely – the funnies and the real-life 🙂 Jess x

  6. 9th January 2015 / 1:12 pm

    I think that happy moments and sad post like this is okay. It just gives your blog a balance. I don’t really know what had happened but I can feel that there are pain and I would want to give your virtual hugs. Sadness is where I am for so long now. I am trying to balance it with post about days out and my son’s smile. But the sadness is just there. Always. #wotw

  7. 9th January 2015 / 1:23 pm

    Such a beautifully written post!
    Sending love and hugs to you!

  8. 9th January 2015 / 1:29 pm

    This is beautiful, and it definitely needs no apology. Your blog is whatever you want it to be, and it’s so important to you. I’m glad that it gives you some solace, and connecting with others, too, though I know it cannot lessen your pain. You just say what you want to say, and we’ll still be here reading x Thanks for sharing with #WotW

  9. 9th January 2015 / 2:07 pm

    This really touched me, I think mainly because, I use blogging for a similar reason.

    I’m not grieving by any stretch, but I am suffering serious anxiety at the moment (for one reason or another), and blogging offers you a release, a form of relieve that you can’t always get anywhere else.

    The fact that you are brave enough to write it down and post it for all to see, to share your experiences so others can relate to them, just goes to show how strong a person you truly are.

    And remember (and it’s bloody hard), “Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end!”

    Chin up chicken

    A x

  10. 9th January 2015 / 2:12 pm

    I don’t really know your story, but I’m sorry about your grief and pray that you’ll find some comfort soon. I too, think about death sometimes especially since both my husband and I are “older” parents, I worry about what will happen to my daughter. I try to hush my fears done, because I know they won’t do me any good. I’m just so paranoid I guess. Sending you prayers and virtual hugs. #wotw.

  11. 9th January 2015 / 3:46 pm

    aw bless i wont say i understand how you feel, as i don’t. But i lost my mum too a long time ago now when i was younger , in an accident . I don’t talk about her much. But i remember oh so well what the first year was like and it was awful in fact the first few years were hard. But it does get easier, honestly. I still miss her, i still cry, i still think its unfair and why her when she was so young etc. But you learn to cope and you start to remember the happy times without crying. You will never stop loving or missing her and she will forever be in your heart but things will get better and you will never forget her you will still remember her voice , her smell , everything in years to come. This is your blog and if writting about things helps then you go for it and i very much doubt anyone will unfollow you for it. sending you lots of hugs xx

  12. 9th January 2015 / 3:59 pm

    Beautifully written. I like to write posts like this, just sometimes to write whats on my mind, causing me pain, or making me laugh. It doesn’t matter if people don’t read it because I only would have wrote it as a sort of therapy to myself. If that makes sense. A blog for me is my therapy and ultimately that’s how I treat it. Don’t apologise for writing what you want to write and from the heart. #WotW

  13. 9th January 2015 / 5:32 pm

    Beautifully written hon *hugs*. I know sometimes it’s just better to get how we feel out in the open and what better way than to express yourself on here. Keep doing what you need to do hon!xx

  14. 10th January 2015 / 10:40 am

    Not for the same grief reason, but I find blogging does work as great therapy and a way of finding support from unexpected places. You write so beautifully, we can all feel your pain but I hope that you carry on writing and I’m sure there will be readers still reading and ‘listening’. xx

  15. 10th January 2015 / 2:27 pm

    This is a lovely post.
    I can relate. I write a fair bit about my experience of stillbirth and sometimes I wonder if people think I’m a bit miserable! My life is actually really lovely these days (I lost my son 13 yeas ago) but as time goes on it becomes harder to talk about my feelings of grief – especially as I met my husband after my son’s father left me and my family live abroad, sometimes It feels like I have no one around me who was there when I had my son. No one but me knows what he even looked like.
    So I write about it when the mood takes me. I write about a lot of other things too – I have two lovely daughters to write about, I’m very blessed.
    I suppose it might put some people off reading but I hope it helps a few people too – I know it helps me to read how other people cope with grief.
    Keep writing what feels right.
    Xx

  16. 10th January 2015 / 11:54 pm

    I’m so sorry for what you are going through sweetie, you are so right, your blog is yours and you must write how you feel, when you want to about what you want. We are here reading and holding your hand, much love. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts xx

  17. 11th January 2015 / 12:52 pm

    I can totally relate to what you are saying. We very suddenly lost my Dad 18 weeks ago and I cannot even begin to put into words how I feel. There’s just nothing there that comes out in any sense. But I can write it. I wish I was brave enough to publish it like you have, mine are on paper and hidden in a box under the bed.
    Thank you for being brave and honest and sharing. xx

  18. 11th January 2015 / 8:37 pm

    Beautiful post, I don’t know your past but i’m sure most of us hold some form of grief inside us. For me its the loss of my daughter, I began therapy but just couldn’t make it work for me, I couldn’t open up whatsoever. In time things have become easier and I am finding it easier to talk to people about my loss now. It will become easier for you, not right now but in time. Much love x

  19. 12th January 2015 / 7:48 pm

    What a beautifully written post. Amazing. I don’t know details of the past but you have a beautiful blog and loyal readers that love you and more will come and others will go but you will remain here to share the with the world your journey through life. I love that about blogs. I hope you long continue your amazing work here darling and keep sharing. There will always be someone out there that relates to your experiences and finds comfort that you shared your story and are on the other side of whatever it is. Gives the hope and faith. Thank you so much for linking up to Share WIth Me. I hope to see you again soon. #sharewithme

  20. Mrs H
    13th January 2015 / 9:47 am

    Such a beautifully written post. It is amazing how writing a blog can be cathartic and an outlet for numerous emotions – including grief. I think it would be worse if you hid how you felt. I struggle with blogs that portray life as perfect all the time. It is not honest, realistic or relatable. Your blog is wonderful and if it is helping you to write your emotions then it is even more wonderful. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  21. 13th January 2015 / 1:48 pm

    Your not alone, I think a lot of people use blogging like therapy, after all its your space, your free to write whatever is on your mind. Sometimes its nice to get it out. If people like your blog, then it doesn’t matter what you write about they will stick with you. Such a heartfelt post. Much love x
    http://www.raisingemily.net

  22. 13th January 2015 / 10:21 pm

    I felt every word of this. It’s a beautiful post, and you should never apologise for writing what you feel X #brilliantblog posts

  23. 14th January 2015 / 2:47 pm

    Beautifully written. I make a lot of effort to read as many blog posts as I can. I really enjoy your blog so thank you for sharing.

  24. 18th January 2015 / 4:32 pm

    Oh beautiful. It is hard when your niche is funny and sometimes you don’t feel funny. I know there are some posts where I wang on about how much I love my kids. Or film a video about my dressing table (I know nothing compared to grief obvs). But I those things as they are part of me and at the moment your grief is part of you. And if your blog helps it then that’s great. I have read the odd grief post from you and I never thought oh I am going to sack this one off. Of course not? And if people do? They are nobs. Totes. Lots and lots of Love x

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