Today is my birthday. But I feel no desire to celebrate or even enjoy this day. It’s just another first; a first of many when it’s thrust into the forefront that she is no longer here.
A card that is now just signed from my Dad. I can feel the anguish he must feel signing a card from just him. No longer a couple. No longer my parents now just my Father.
29 years ago I caused you severe grief. Hopefully since then I didn’t cause too much more. An eventful birth and lifelong of backache were the consequences on this day in 1985. As I am now a Mother you can’t help but too feel a sense of excitement when your child’s birthday comes around. No matter how many years go by you still cast your memory back to that moment when you first laid eyes on your baby. I was and always will be my Moms littlest baby. Half a year I’ve spent without her. Everyone tells me it gets easier – it doesn’t. It’s getting worse. The wrenching of your heart, the pain in your chest, the thinking in your head all when it comes crashing in – she’s not coming back.
I hate all of these “occasions” Fed up of plastering on a smile. She was not only my Mom but she was like MY twin. We had the same thought processes, same likes and dislikes, same ridiculous sense of humour. We saw each other pretty much everyday but if not an endless stream of texts and calls. How do you recover from a loss of someone like that?
Today is the day that she brought me safely into this world. She almost sacrificed herself in this quest and spent the day sedated. But she did it. And I got to spend 28 years proudly calling her my Mom. I can’t comprehend that I will spend the next 28 missing her. Missing her so so very much.