5 Ways To GUARANTEE Your Kid Will Be Mary / Joseph

There is no denying and it really is fast approaching and no I don’t just mean Christmas – the much coveted school play season. I can almost hear the parents sharpening their claws and the impatient tapping of nails as they await with baited breath the answer to the question which on every parents lips at the start of December – WHO WILL BE CROWNED MARY / JOSEPH 2014?

Forget the X Factor final, the fight for the lead role in the kids Nativity play is the biggest contest in the school calendar year. Up and down the country parents will be having sleepless nights, worrying that they will have to tell their Great Aunt Greta (guess what we read at bedtime) that your little one has a non speaking part after her son was Joseph six years in a row.

I’m sure you can already spot the brown nosers who are trying to weedle their way into top dog position and be the envy of all the other parents (Come on, if we are honest who wants their little star to be cast as sheep number 3?!) The school play could be your ticket to stardom, get ahead and maybe use this list to ensure your little darling is the talk of the school. And you’re suddenly elevated from loner in the playground to super Mom who everyone wants to talk to. And who knows… Maybe Hollywood will come a-knocking if they manage to successfully lay baby Jesus down in the manger without dropping him/ripping his head off. (This probably won’t ever happen so this is the first of many disclaimers about this post!)

This my friends is a foolproof guide to bagging that main part:

1) Presents / love notes to the teacher

“I picked you this leaf Miss” “I drew you a picture MIss” “I found these 12 red roses on the way to school and wrapped them in a pink bow Miss” Face it – bribery WORKS. Teachers have admitted to treating kids better based on Christmas presents. Get in there earlier.
Big envelopes with the teachers names on and lots of hearts and kisses – I swear to god I have spotted this happening in the last week! Make sure you conceal the smushy deseperate kind letter in an envelope so no one else can steal you ideas. Big tip – don’t put glitter in the envelope. No teacher will want to open it and be showered in glitter. Ir’s not cute and your kid will be relegated to ‘chorus number 6’

2)  Teach them to sing Away In A Manger

It’s one less thing for the teacher to have to do so a head start on the hymns will give you the edge. So tell your offspring to start humming it when they’re doing junk modelling, but ONLY in junk modelling. No parent got time for all that humming and singing at the start of December – there’s still over 3 weeks to go and quite frankly it’s a tad annoying. In fact kids humming and sing/screeching about no crib for a bed is probably more annoying than Mr Tumble (just kidding. NOTHING is more annoying than that red nosed fool…)

3) Take the bible in for Show and Tell

Wow. THIS really is wheeling out the big guns and we are only on number 3. This my nativity starry eyes friends is a pretty much given sign to the teacher that you have it in the bag. Stuff Gangsta Granny and Horrid Henry at bedtime, this kid is doing all the hard work for them! “They’ll probably know the lines already” floating around Miss’ head. Sorted.
Now, If you don’t own a copy (tut tut) I WOULD not RECOMMEND STEALING ONE FROM A HOTEL but if you aren’t holy enough to own a copy, go see your mate who had their kid christened I’m sure they will have one knocking around.

4) Have loud conversations whilst standing next to the teacher about your pet sheep

Sheep? They will presume you have knowledge of farm animals and stables – can you see where I’m going with this? But more importantly you probably have access to free hay that you can be called upon as favour for to scatter in the stable scene, as we all know how far teaching budgets stretch. Make sure you barter with the teacher for Mary/Joseph role in exchange. Then clear out Pets at Home for bags of hay – it’s a small price to pay for this much coveted role.
Don’t worry about not actually having a sheep. Sure health and safety have put a fluffy coated stop to all fun at Christmas and live animals are a big no no.

5) Put a blue or brown checked tea towel in PE bags
“I don’t know how THAT got there” Teachers will spot if your kid drags out a pristine checked tea towel out their stinky PE bag. This crispy blue and white garment will stay in their mind. Not that you’re a crap forgetful parent (they already know I am) but that you already have “skills”. The costume is halfway there thus making their lives that little bit easier.


Or…just don’t care. But you will secretly feel a bit peeved that your little superstar has to stand at the back picking their nose whilst little Miss perfect with the annoying super skinny super perfect pretty Mom and sexy smouldering DILF get the star role. Again. But after the initial growls, chorus member number 6 or sheep number 3 will be the star of the show to you. It’s easy to want the big main part but hey, last year the Mary didn’t even get any lines, just the pretty shiny blue  on her head.
It really doesn’t matter what they do as you will burst with pride as they sit there with a finger up a nose. So remember, whatever your kid is you honestly will think they are the most amazing part and you will grin like the Cheshire cat the whole way through until your face actually hurts and definitely not be THAT Mom that cries(Sorry Charlie)

I promise I don’t do any of the above. My son is the one that actually  his hand up and asked if the Bible was a fairy story…and that my friends was probably why he never got the Joseph role and why I wouldn’t even attempt to do any of the above – I know when I’m beaten!!

B x

PS – Please don’t sue me. This post doesn’t really guarantee your kid will be star of the nativity. I can’t even guarantee you’ll get to the end of this post without falling asleep or thinking I’m an uber pushy mother (it’s all a joke people!!!)

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  1. mummyofboygirltwins
    25th November 2014 / 9:41 am

    Hee hee! Mine aren’t quite old enough to be in a nativity just yet – however when they are this will be me!!!!!! LOL! Mum still talks about how I was the ‘star’ in my play. So proud 🙂 However having twins myself too – this might cause war in our house if she gets Mary and he just gets to be a tree or something. Help!!!! Great post. Jess xxxx

  2. Kayleigh
    25th November 2014 / 5:48 pm

    My eldest son is 3, he is sheep number 2. Sheep number 2?!
    Sadly, this in the church nativity, so we’re screwed. I’ve decided he’s going to be the best sheep I can make him. I’m debating covering him in cotton wool. As I hate the stuff, I won’t be able to hold him at all, but it’ll be worth it… right?

  3. 27th November 2014 / 10:49 am

    FAB POST Lovely. There is some confusion at my girls pre school. I don’t get it. She is a singing star. She has a solo. This seems to be a big deal. The other kids are animals? Who the hell is Mary and Joseph bab? WHO. And where the fook do I get a star outfit x

  4. Kate @ Family Fever
    28th November 2014 / 11:01 am

    This just made me laugh out loud, I am loving all your ideas. The fact that my son is Camel 3 shows you just how much bribery I have pout in this year 😉 #TheList

  5. You Baby Me Mummy
    29th November 2014 / 5:23 pm

    Great post! I am so far away from this thank god! I have a few years to sort out my tactics! Thanks for linking up to #TheList x

  6. Mama Blueberry
    30th November 2014 / 11:23 am

    OMG this post made me laugh SOOO much! Mine are not at school yet but I have a relative who is. For some reason I already know the name of the child in her class who always gets the main parts, I even know her abilities to swim, read above her age level and her mum can multitask business calls while putting her hair in the tightest bun for the ballet exams. Why the heck do I know all this? I’ve never even met these ppl. It seems news travels fast when it comes to the Christmas nativity. So I totally loved this post! ‘smouldering DILF’ … I have no words, just laughter!

  7. 5th December 2014 / 9:14 am

    Found you through #TheList and this made me howl!!!

    A little concerned there may be some Stage Parents who read this going ‘yup, done that, yup, that too, amateur’. 😉