You are sat slobbing out on the sofa; having a well deserved half cold cuppa, letting the kids tear everything out of the drawers – and you’re letting them as you’re bloody knackered and would just love 5 minutes to sit down. Sound familiar? Maybe not a standard “bliss” moment but I’ll take it after a night of teething grumpy children. But then you see a car pull in. You rise up from the sofa and peer like a meerkat, chanting over to yourself ‘please don’t be coming here please don’t be coming here’ Then you spot the familiar car and realise – oh crap, they are coming here to see you. And the house is beyond a bombsite. Cue sheer panic.
You want to scream “why me?” and “why the bloody hell haven’t they text or rang at least 24 hours in advance?” But there’s no time; FEAR NOT MY FRIEND. I have six fool proof ways to not let people know that you’re a bit lazy and your house only looks like a show home because you have had time to cram everything under the stairs and actually chucked the vacuum around the floor 2 minutes before they’re due as otherwise it’s completely pointless.
Breathe and read on…
1) Hide everything in your bedroom
No one is so rude enough to go barging into your bedroom right? This makes your room the perfect place to dump all the piles of laundry and tat that lurks in the corners of the room. Yes you may not be able to get into bed at night but no one will know you’re a bit of a scutter. This is usually the place where everything goes when I have got 24 hours notice if I’m totally honest so the impromptu unwelcome guest may not provide with adequate dumping time. Sofa cushions often serve as an excellent temporary measure. Make sure you just lie on the sofa when they come in so they don’t sit down and find a stray bra hanging off the corner of the pillow.
2) Chuck a blanket on the floor and claim you’ve just had an indoors picnic.
That explains the crumbs perfectly. If it’s not breakfast or lunchtime – snack time is also a perfect excuse. Get a large blanket as this also hides extra crap that is usually sprawled across the floor. It also makes you look like one of these fabulous mothers who is inventive – no one needs to know you’re a master of hiding tat in disguise.
3) You’re “having a big clear out”
Perfect get out of jail for the piles of un ironed clothes that has set up residency on your kitchen table! If you’re really anting to impress a visitor say it’s for the charity bag. They will be most impressed by how generous you are giving away best clothes. Just remember not to wear that jumper that was perched on the top in their presence for at least 3 months. They will remember and they will judge.
4) Sat you are decorating so no one can go upstairs
My life has been made so much easier by moving to a house that has a downstairs toilet. This has saved the pang of fear when someone asks to use the loo knowing full well that upstairs looks like it’s been burgled. Decorating is the perfect excuse. No one would ever dare to be cheeky enough to dare to enter a decorating zone right? Always keep a spare roller and tin of paint at the top of the stairs. But to be honest you probably still have from when your husband actually DID decorate… 22 months ago.
5) Say you are waiting on a food delivery which is why there’s only crisps and chocolate in the cupboards and you can’t feed anyone
|Couldn’t find a dog on a computer…
Don’t you just hate when people turn up to your house at like 11.30am. This sadly is definitely territory where you need to feed them. God, they definitely must have planned this and it’s so embarrassing that you only have a manky bag of crisps that have been sat in the back of the cupboards for months that no one likes – it is Ok to offer these if they are really looking starving. But you will probably have to lie and say you’re out of bread after your fabulous floor picnic (point 2 – see these ARE handy!) so you’ll just nip to the shop. Stuff packs of ham and cheese in your pockets when you come back and they will never know.
Also a good point to remember – if you run out of milk don’t offer breast or formula in their coffee. It seriously won’t go down well.
6) Pray your child has a screaming meltdown.
This will ensure guests scarper. Quickly. If not give them a yogurt and then say you’ll have to put them in the bath. This will only work if your guests can take a hint. Otherwise they may offer to help. If this happens quickly refer to point 4 and say they won’t fit upstairs.
You just know that the second that door closes and they’ve gone that your little darling will have the much anticipated tantrum. They have a sixth sense for that.
So don’t fret! You can fool people into thinking you’re on top of this housework malarkey. Alternatively you can grab everyone and run upstairs and claim everyone was asleep or run and pull the curtains, turn the lights out and sat your prayers.
Maybe then they’ll take the hint… The sneaky gits.
Ps – I’m not quite sure why the dog is on the phone to Tesco either…just go with it.