If I was totally honest I would say that I am pretty laid back. Yes I do get wound up at times but as a whole I have a go with the flow kind of attitude. 

I have found however since losing my beloved Mother at the end of April I am becoming increasingly anxious about things that never ever would have entered my head previously. My main anxiety is that I am going to die young. 

My mom died of cancer aged 59. Just 59. She was healthy, active and never had a driving licence so walked everywhere. She was a massive part of my young children’s lives yet all of them aged 5 and younger will now live the test of their lives without a maternal grandmother. 

Cancer. The word frightens me to the core. It’s the one thing we cannot control and with 1 in 3 set to get some form of cancer in their lifetime – it petrified me. And since my Mom was diagnosed I can’t stop thinking – what will happen if I get it. This wasn’t helped last October when I had an abnormal smear and had to go for further testing and a colonoscopy. Luckily this came back clear but I have to have a repeat colonoscopy next month which I’m worried about. And in my head I’m constantly preparing myself for the worst. 

What would happen if I got cancer? Who would help with the children? What would happen if I died? 
Totally irrational thoughts and conclusions that I am jumping to but after cancer has ripped through my family I fear it will happen again. 

I don’t feel ready to talk to anyone about my Moms death. But can’t stop these thoughts creeping into my head time to time. I know it’s probably a knee jerk reaction from everything that’s happened in the last year but I need to let it out somewhere. Sorry. I’m not usually like this  so I’m hoping this is a “phase” of grief as I know people suffer with anxiety so don’t want to offend or claim I have it. I don’t know. Don’t know why I’m even writing it down. Hmmm. Let’s hope it buggers off soon. 

B xx

The Reading Residence
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