When I found out I was pregnant I was absolutely thrilled. We had only got married on 30th September so to find out on 24th October that I was pregnant was amazing and also meant – honeymoon baby!
As I have mentioned a billion times, my twin daughters are due to start full time school this September. They turn four next month, so will be one of the younger ones in their year but they are more than ready. They currently spend every afternoon at the nursery attached to the school so are familiar with the building and the routines so I am hoping come September it’ll be an absolute breeze for them. But for me it’s going to be a very different situation.
How Can You Be A Stay At Home Mum When Your Kids Are At School?
In September, my stay at home Mum title expires. I will be at home full-time, but my children won’t be. I will still continue to drop off at 8.45am but I will be coming home to an empty house. There won’t be two little hellbats running around causing chaos like there has been for the past four years. I am staying at home with no one to parent. I keep wondering myself how can I be a stay at home parent; does my title now become “unemployed?” housewife?” “jobless bum?”
I am constantly asked if/when I will get a job. People seemed to do this as soon as the girls started nursery but when I pointed out that I actually am only really available from 1pm until 3pm therefore not very employable, they backed off. But as we hurtle towards school, the questions are more frequent and my answers aren’t that easy to give. I constantly feel like I ned to justify myself.
When asked what I do, I feel the need to explain my situation and that people automatically assume I’m lazy or will be claiming benefits. I have always worked. From when I left college, within weeks I took on a temporary job at the local Council typing up fraud tapes. I then went to processing housing applications and never left. I applied and was appointed as a full-time Housing Officer where I then went on to complete a degree in the field. Yet when I became pregnant with twins and childcare was not an option due to my Mother’s cancer diagnosis and extortionate nursery fees for two babies, I opted for voluntary redundancy. I had worked at my career for 8 years and gave it all up.
I don’t regret it for one second as I have been so privileged to be able to raise my babies. To drop Charlie off at school every day, to see all his plays, sports days and assemblies. To be able to dash and pick him up if needed. To have the luxury to take my girls out as and when with no restrictions. I have been so lucky, yet as they grow older I am now on my own. Four years without a career is hard. Even contemplating going back to work is an alien concept. Plus regardless of me being free Monday to Friday 9am until 3pm, what happens in school holidays? Sickness? PD Days? We do not have the option of family childcare and childcare for six weeks for three children surely wouldn’t be financially beneficial.
I am angry. Angry that I have let myself feel so belittled when people suggest that I should get a job. Angry that they presume because I don’t, I will be sucking the system dry. I am angry there is such a stigma. I am angry that no matter what you do, someone feels the need to make you feel like crap.
I went back to work after having Charlie so know what it’s like to be a working parent. I also know what it’s like to be a stay at home parent. But I don’t know what it’s like to stay home without babies around you.
I am dreading September.
Three years ago today was the last time I saw or spoke to my Mom. Three years since she took her last breath. Three years since I could see her, hold her hand, tell her I love her. Three years have passed and so much has changed in these three years.
I miss my Mom more than I could ever describe. We had such a close bond that it will be impossible to ever get over the loss I’ve experienced. I will never be able to full accept that at 28 I was left Motherless. My five year old and ten month old twins lost their Granny and our family was changed forever.
Three years have passed, but I don’t feel the crushing sadness I did three years ago. All everyone seemed to say was that time would help and I couldn’t;t understand why they were saying it. No time was ever going to help. The only thing that would help would be her back here and that it was all a horrible dream. But you know what? It does help.
I no longer feel as angry and whilst I still have that horrific thud in my chest where I feel short of breath and my eyes leak in utter devastation at how much I miss her – these are not as frequent as they once were.
In typing this, I feel like I am admitting I’ve got over he death and it’s time to move on. I’m not. It reads as though I[‘m forgetting her – I’m not. Not at all. I think of my Mom now more than ever, but the difference is I smile in doing so. I feel so lucky that I had such a fantastic Mom and so many wonderful memories to last a lifetime. My Mom got to see me get married and stood beside me on my wedding day. She got to meet and love her three beautiful Grandchildren that were the apple of her eye. I feel privileged to be her daughter.
There are times when I am lost. When I’d give anything in the world to turn to her for advice then I realise – I have her instinct. Her intuition and I know that whilst I lost her wisdom far too prematurely, she instilled it all in me. I learnt from the best and I am able to apply it to my children. Except the having friends over _ I always said when I had kids I’d let them have their friends over whenever they wanted – proved you wrong Mother!!
At the age of 59, my Mom was too young to die. She had so much to live for and with my babies off to school in September, it would have given us the opportunity to strengthen our bond. She would have stood beside me giving me the strength to wave them off onto their big journey. On that day, somewhere I know she will be thinking exactly the same as me, whilst bursting with pride. Her baby’s babies off to school. How old are we all getting?!
Grief has gotten easier but the loss still stings. I don’t ever want it to stop stinging and know it won’t because that signifies the colossal impact she had on our lives. Three years ago our world fell down around us, yet here we are. Standing strong, smiling and being guided by the best one of all.
As you read this, I’ll be in the car on my way to Blackpool! I decided that I would pack the kids up and go on an adventure. Minus the husband. I have decided that No Fear Parenting is the way forward.
You see, my girls will be 4 in around 8 weeks time and whilst they still love a good old tantrum, life with twins is starting to feel, dare I say it outloud, easier? They go off and entertain each other and love to make up games so I am often left as a spare part. Throw big brother into the mix, and they’re set. There’s is still lots of bickering but they do all get on really well and love to spend time with each other.
With a two week Easter holiday spanning and my husband about to go CRAZY at work meaning he’s going to be away loads and not have any time off, I decided on a whim to book us a hotel stay. I have never taken the kids away overnight on my own before so it’s either going to go one of two ways.
I am going to come away feeling like Supermom having survived a trip away with three kids and a 5.5hour round trip to the Las Vegas of the North. We will all giggle, scream and have so much fun riding rollercoasters, walking down the beach and spying the tower. It will be the way forward and no dear parenting will well ands truly be activated. Or
I WILL HAVE A MELTDOWN
There’ll be tears, tantrums and probably a Mom glugging wine in the bathroom as flying solo proves all too much when everyone wants to do different things and I haven’t got enough arms or patience to cope with them all.
I really am hoping for numero uno and we can all come home happy but you never know. It’ll be a good experiment and hopefully be the start of some fun times in the future.
Wish me luck!
Despite being 5’7, I have ridiculously tiny size 4 feet. They really are dinky but this definitely has its plus points as I can buy cheap kids shoes and trainers.
Yesterday, we went to get the kids feet measured. It seems that small feet seems to be running in the family. I remember Charlie’s feet growing incredibly slowly when he had small and yet again, my girls haven’t gone up. At almost 4, they are still a size 8. However they really need some new shoes for nursery. We were given loads of shoes so have been working our way but they’re still primarily wearing boots a lot so we needed to opt for something more summer-y.
It was rather spooky that when they were measured not only were they the same size as each other, but the same foot was slightly bigger down to the exact millimetre – they really are identical twins!
The girls absolutely loved choosing their shoes and despite having her heart set on a pair of sparkly pink flamingo shoes, they didn’t have them in her width so they both opted (again!) for funky dinosaur pumps. I love Clarks doodles as they are machine washable as I’m anticipating lots of park trips, so they’ll soon be looking filthy!
Charlie too had his feet measured and has only gone up half a size since having his school shoes last August. I’ve ordered him some new trainers as I refuse to pay the extortionate prices for fitted trainers. Sports Direct sell Nike and Adidas for half the price!!
I also got the girls a cheap pair of canvas type shoe just for nursery. They were £6 each so I’m sure they’ll probably not even last two months but you never know. Fashionista kids like mine always like to pick their own clothes so options are always a good idea!