November is upon us already and immediately our thoughts turn to Christmas and the New Year. The countdown is on and before we know it we will be in 2017. 2017 is going to be a big year for us. The biggest so far. My babies will be off to start school.
I know it’s 10 months away and this post seems somewhat premature, but I am getting more and more pangs of guilt as starting school creeps towards us. In truth? I wonder if I have wasted our time together. I have been so lucky that I took redundancy when the girls were just three months old, so they have never had to share me. They’ve never had to wave me off of a morning and wait for me to return of the evening like their big brother did. They have had me 24/7 and I have often pondered if this is a good or bad thing?
You see, when I did go back to work when Charlie was 1, I did four days a week meaning that the three days I had off with him I really made the most of. I would leave the house at 7.30am usually when he was still fast asleep and not be back until 4.30pm on my work days and with a bedtime at 7pm, it didn’t give us much time; so I ensured that we really maximised our days together being careful to try and savour our time together. However, being a stay at home parent sometimes feels the complete opposite.
It can be so full on that there are days where all I have craved is ten minutes alone to shower, go to the toilet or just sit on the sofa and flake out. The crazy school run in the morning has left me feeling a little dazed so we often just came home where I have flaked out, or gone straight into housework mode meaning that the girls were left to their own devices. And I feel crap for it.
Come September, all the chances to pop out for breakfast or an impromptu trip to the park or soft play will no longer be an option. My babies no longer will “be mine” that I can scoop them up and head off as and when I wish. The ties of 8.45am to 3.15pm means we are confined and restricted to what we can do.
The trouble is you always think you have time…
Have I made the most of our time together? No. I really don’t think we have. The chaos that twin life brought us has meant it’s been far too easy to make excuses. To not want to venture out as the thought alone was too overbearing. Those carefully planned days off just haven’t materialised and being a stay at home parent at times, makes me feel like I’ve failed at being a good Mom. I know that I am so lucky that my kids have been able to have me raise them and not had to go to childcare. There will be people reading this, furious that I am in this very fortunate position and I haven’t made the most of it – I know. I suck! But sometimes, you miss what is in infront of your eyes and whilst we have had lovely days together, I still feel rotten.
My kids have been lucky to have a routine ands always know who will be picking them up and that I will be there to pick them up if they need it. But I just hope that what can be perceived as doing very little – means the world to them. My Mom gave up her job to look after us and whilst it may not have seemed as if she “did much” to know she was there was more than enough. I hope my kids feel the same way too.