“Mommy? Mommy why are you crying?”
My seven year old doesn’t say this to me very often anymore. Two years ago, it was almost a daily occurrence but now it’s rare he is faced with a panda eyed Mother sobbing at the sink unable to contain the heartbreak of loss. I have managed to contain my grief. I will never say I’ve accepted it because how can yo accept something that should never have happened, but I know that ploughing your energy into being angry and resentful ultimately is fruitless, and the only result is bitterness and very dark feelings.
It really catches you off guard and knocks you off your feet when you are least expecting it. I was just picking up some washing in the utility when all of a sudden a wave of sadness covered me and then I saw the pink bunny. The pink bunny opened the flood gates as I sobbed silently alone. I miss my Mom so much but it’s always the most random of things that trigger my emotions when you are not expecting it.
You see, the pink bunnies were the first gift my Mom brought me when I found out I was having girls. She had left them on my sofa for me to find when I came home from work with the message “for the twinnies, do you love them?” And my god I did! These two little pink bunnies symbolise a time where there was nothing but pure unadulterated excitement for the months ahead. Our family was going to be having two beautiful new additions and it was another thing thought brought my Mom and I that little bit closer together. The months of pregnancy were long and hard physically, but they were cancer free. How I wish it had stayed that way. I wish that word didn’t have such a wrench attached to it whenever I say or type it. Cancer to us meant the end. It stole the centre of our family core and that hole is still prevalent and can never ever be filled. Grief – you may patch it up, but it’s still there and always will be.