My friend has just had a baby. A teeny tiny squishy gorgeous new baby. I am a massively baby person. Always have been, probably always have been. But I thought my baby days were over. My broodiness has disappeared and would never to be seen again. Was I kidding myself? It appears so.
The last time I held a newborn baby, my girls were just over 12 months old themselves. I was caught up in a whirlwind of first steps, sleepless nights, constant attention and hawk eyeing them. This time holding a baby was different.
My girls are now three. They are at nursery every afternoon, often leaving me a little lost with time on my hands that I don’t quite know how to fill. As I put the key in the lock after dropping them off, it’s empty and eerily quiet. The chaos of three children is evident in every room I walk into but it still feels a little weird. I have for so many days, desperately craved time to myself. So desperate that even a shower alone for a few minutes seemed like heaven from the relentless exhaustion whirlwind of being a Mother can bring; but now I have it? A slight case of the grass is greener.
I took voluntary redundancy when on maternity leave with the girls. I gave up the job I had worked and achieved to get my degree in after eight years. It can be lonely not having something of your own. The kids all are forming their own little worlds and taking their steps into the world and I’m being left behind.
Would a baby change all this?
The practicalities of having a fourth all point to a big fat negative. it’s expensive enough trying to go for meals, days out and holidays with the five of us without throwing another into the mix. My time already is squeezed across three of them so four surely wouldn’t work. It wouldn’t be fair on them. But a part of me always wonders. Wondering how easy it would be to have just one baby after the crazy world of twins. A third pregnancy to complete the “dream” I feel I still have another baby left in me to love, to cherish and to join our crew. I am only 30 and it seems odd my baby days are already over. I know I am so lucky that I have three healthy children and was able to have them problem free, i know this and am so grateful i get to type that. But with my sensible head I think adding a fourth wouldn’t work. Wouldn’t be fair…but I can’t help but think what if.