Potty Training – The Truth

We are a week in and I’ve survived, just about. My house stinks, I’ve bleached the hell out of numerous potties, gone through about 50 packets of wipes and toilet rolls and lost count of the times I’ve steam mopped the floors but we are getting there. Slowly but surely.

Potty training and chicken pox are my parenting arch nemesis’s. Give me sleepless nights, stinky nappies and teething any day – pots and pox send shivers down my spine. But with the girls third birthday rapidly approaching I decided it was about time we got the ball rolling.

Charlie was easy as pie to potty train. He was sorted within a week and nights quickly followed – simple, magic touch eh? WRONG. How very very wrong.

In the space of seven days here is my summary so far:

• Two year olds wee A LOT. Don’t be fooled by absorbent nappies, kids pee for England. Give them a cup of squash and you’ll be leaping up like a crazed woman every 48 seconds to catch the never ending river of wee.
• You can derobe and stick a child on a nearby potty in approximately 2.5 seconds no matter where in the house you are. Ninja skills are well and truly on high alert around toileting.
• You need candles/air freshener/perfume. Prepare for your house to permeate “eau de piss” which will waft under any poor sods nostrils who dare to darken your door during this difficult period. Believe me, you can mop the hell out of any areas that have become puddles but it lingers.
• Prepare to ask your kids on average three times every minute of every day “do you need a wee wee?” Thus driving yourself INSANE. Oh and no matter how many times you ask – they still will probably wet themselves just as you finish your sentence.
• Even if you’ve potty trained before don’t think that will help you. Yes my previous experience counts for jack when twins are involved. There will pretty much be constant potty action from the second you wake up with one hovering.
• Once they figure out they can use toilet roll prepare to become bankrupt. Toilet roll previously was a GREAT thing to play with but they were told “only when you go on the big toilet” and now they are? Free for feckin all! Even the bleeding Andrex puppy would be disgusted at the amount of bog roll we are getting through with phantom wees that are definitely not just to get their hands on glorious toilet paper…
• My hair is a shade greyer than it was a week ago.
• Your washing machine goes into overdrive as it turns out 20 pairs of knickers aren’t enough for twins…Sigh.
• You think sh*tty nappies are bad? Try scrubbing a potty clean post humongous dump (seriously how does such a monster come out of someone so small?!) without heaving. I dare you.

So all in all – lots of festive Easter fun! I am slowly losing the plot but we are making progress. And no one has yet pooed on my floor which I see as a small victory. I’m off for a gin and a cry before waking up to do it ALL again tomorrow. Well, they don’t say you’re going “potty” for nothing…

B xx