Four days in, and it’s still acceptable to wish family, friends, colleagues and strangers walking their dogs Happy New Year. Yes new year, new me bullsh*t is still high on the agenda and resolutions are made, goals set, trainers dusted off; for 2016 is going to be THE year.
- It’s no longer acceptable to eat chocolate for breakfast and have mulled wine at lunchtime. You will be frowned upon suggesting we go to the pub after the morning school run for a festive tipple.
- You have to drag a dead carcass out of your house. Instead of blood there’s 14 million pine needles that you will find poking out of the carpet until at least the Spring. Think treading on Lego is bad? Think again.
- Back to school. There is nothing more depressing than bleak January school runs in the gloomy freezing rain. Bloody kids.
- You are bombarded with skinny people and luxury 5* holidays you can’t afford because you blew the budget over Christmas. Every advert break is filled of smug six pack Lycra clad gorgeous models telling you how easy it is to drop a dress size in a week then to add insult to injury, the same gorgeous creatures are prancing around in the Caribbean in a bikini, whilst you’re sat in the freezing cold West Midlands wearing a giraffe onesie from Primark.
- Nothing happens! It’s the most boring month ever. Aside from the fact Christmas couldn’t be further away, you probably have no friggin idea when Easter is as let’s face it, who ever does? January is the biggest nothing month in the calendar.
- People spend the month sober. Yes it’s actively encouraged to have a ‘dry January’. As if the fact that Christmas is over isn’t depressing enough. And no one will like your Instagram pictures of booze like they do in December…
- You have to find places for hundreds of new toys. Sadly Santa didn’t bring an extension down the chimney so you can space for them. Instead you probably will be subjected to a chaotic trip to IKEA for storage which with kids in tow and thousands of other parents thinking the sand, you’ll be waiting over an hour for a 95p bacon sandwich whilst your kids have a tantrum as you won’t let them have 50 new stuffed toys and then can’t fit in all in the boot. Hell.
- Everyone is so grumpy. There’s no wishing strangers to have a ‘merry’ or ‘happy’ time. Instead we are the complete opposite and tut, groan and bitch way more. Probably due to the fact it’s freezing cold, you’ve had fruit and water for breakfast and you’re stone cold sober.
Bloody January. Can it be summer soon? At least then we can moan it’s too hot but remember sweet treat filled outdoor picnics (no crumbs) and drinking in the sun is positively encouraged. Sigh.