Colposcopy – Medical Porno Gone Wrong?!


Tomorrow I’m off to hospital for the third consecutive November in a row for a repeat smear and colposcopy. Anyone who is lucky enough not to know what that is – it’s basically a more intrusive smear test inwhich the highlight is usually someone referring to your cervix as “thick and juicy” whilst squirting a load of dye up your vagina as you lay there legs akimbo… Oh and they have a camera right up there to capture all the action, which you can’t help but stare at on the massive screen right next to your face and admire your “thick and juicy” cervix; in summary, it’s like a weird painful medical porno gone badly wrong.

But it’s important.

Very very important.

You see three years ago I had an abnormal smear test. Queue alarm bells. I had my routine smear just after having the girls and I was reassured that most post-natal smears come back abnormal. Ah don’t worry it’ll be fine I just need to pop along to the hospital and it’s all ok they can sort it. But then I was told I had  grade one cells which is fine and that it doesn’t mean it’s cancer. It means that they want to keep an eye on these unusual cells as they can be pre-cancerous (but definitely not cancer) So I would have another colposcopy 12 months later. So last November just after my birthday my regular colposcopy treat came around and good news Beth; the patch that was looking a bit strange is now fine HURRAH, however there’s another area they want to keep an eye on. Damn.

So after a rather excruciating biopsy where the doctor whilst his head burrowed in my nether regions uttered the line every woman balancing her wobbly thighs on stirrups in complete absolute agony having just had her insides butchered by said doctor “when you cut yourself do you bleed heavily, it’s just we are having a bit of trouble stemming the bleeding” BRILLIANT. Bloody brilliantly. Literally.

After many many wads of gauze and a hasty retreat of the cinema screen by my head showing my juicy cervix becoming a bright bloody mess, they did stop the bleeding and I was sent on with way, armed with yet another armful of leaflets that tell me not to worry as it’s probably not cancer. Fucks sake – can everyone stop saying the bloody C word! There’s nothing like drawing attention to it is there?!

So yet again I get a letter saying there is still an abnormality and my appointment for November 2015 popped through the door and quite unbelievably it’s tomorrow.

And I’m dreading it. But for every thought of cancelling or feigning illness – I stop and think how flipping ridiculous I am being. This is absolutely necessary, and whilst I long for the day where I’m discharged and back to the normal every three year crew, I have to go.

We are blessed with free health care and whilst it seems a massive pain in the backside and a daunting prospect, they really are looking after me. They are making sure I am ok before I’m off their annual check list.

So tomorrow is the day then it will be weeks of waiting for the letter with my results. I pray that everything is normal but thank my lucky stars I am under such a good hospital.

With 1 in 5 missing their smear tests last year and cervical cancer being the most common cancer of women under the age of 35 – is it really worth the risk?

Tomorrow I keep my fingers and toes crossed that all is well -but my legs? Well they will be wide open!

B xx

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8 Comments

  1. November 25, 2015 / 10:56 am

    I had one of these a few years ago (although not quite as traumatic sounding as yours!) and I think the build up to it was more worrying and scary than the actual procedure. Luckily, I got the all clear and only had to have smears more regularly for a couple of years. Hope it all goes well for youx
    Rachel C recently posted…Christmas Surprises from Orchard ToysMy Profile

  2. November 25, 2015 / 8:42 pm

    I am one of those women who are long overdue. I know sensible head says just stop being stupid but other silly head had its reasons for burying itself in the sand. Time I listened to sensible head
    Candace recently posted…I Even Surprised MyselfMy Profile

  3. November 25, 2015 / 9:42 pm

    Good luck tomorrow lovely, I’ll be thinking of you x

  4. Elanor
    November 27, 2015 / 8:46 am

    This is such a great read and also a very important subject to talk about. I’ve just had my repeat smear after my colposcopy treatment and I’m hoping everything is fine now. I wish I had read something like this before having treatment as it would have stopped me worrying as much! 🙂

  5. November 27, 2015 / 7:33 pm

    I had my second colposcopy in August, so I know where you’re coming from. After a couple of abnormal smears and call backs, I was told I had CIN1 and it was quite a large area. It was scary and that biopsy is a weird sensation isn’t it?! The first doctor looked fairly concerned, but assured me it looked fine. They confirmed I have the HPV virus. I had a years wait for the next one, where, to my surprise it had completely gone away. I will still be going for regular smears at my doctors every year. As horrible as it is, we are lucky to have these tests over here. Sarah visiting from tots good reads #tots100
    Sarah Stockley (@kipperscurtains) recently posted…Baby It’s Cold Outside!My Profile

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