How Do You Cope With Grief?

In the days and weeks after losing my Mom, people who had also lost parents so selflessly reached out and offered messages of love and support. I would always reply to them – how do you cope? It was the one part that baffles me; to go from having this person there every single day for your whole life to wake up and that was it. How do you ever manage to regain a form of normality and how do you get out of bed? The list of questions seem to be getting longer and I’m getting no answers in return.

grief
14 months on – I still don’t have the answer. Sorry if you stumbled across this post hoping to find a miracle cure that would allow you to pack up your grief in a neat little box and bring it out for special occasions. Nope. Sorry. Not that easy. So how do you cope?


In all honesty – I don’t know if I am
.

The long days of tears and dark thoughts do seem few and far between nowadays but the old cliche time is a healer – is it? No. Time brings with it an ability to smile more and the positives start to outshine the negatives; anger and bitterness still rear their ugly heads but my feelings of complete despair belong more pushed to the back of my head opposed to on the pillow or into a tissue.

Yes I smile, I laugh, I chat, I am happy. But under it all there’s this thing, this thing that at any given moment will trigger and my chest goes tight and my eyes sting with the ever familiar tears that drop from my eyes without making a sound.

What I would give to see your name flash up on my phone, or open a text and collapse in fits of giggles or go to bed knowing tomorrow I would get to see you.

I’ve just spent over an hour reading our old text conversations and for that time I was engrossed and felt like I did two years ago. Life was as it always was so simple and carefree. Cancer didn’t ruin our days and make life so unpredictable and alien. Despite the C word engulfing us all those messages prove that you never waned. Your humour, determination and just awesomeness outshone any disease that took up residence in your body. We carried on; our in jokes, silly sense of humour and mundane everyday chats carried us through. Our relationship did not strengthen – it didn’t need to! It was perfect. So close so wonderful – so us.

I listen in pained silence as people talk about their Moms, acutely aware I have to use the past tense when I passionately champion you. My god I miss you. I hate that it’s almost two years since I got the phonecall that you were in hospital and it knocks me for six knowing I’ve lived on for two years with this stabbing pain pinching at my head and heart every single day.

Losing your mother is so horrible. You see, I have never ever known life without her. As a child your parents are the people you don’t know any other life without them being the constant. She had a life before she had me now I face life after her. And it was far far too soon. These babies should be pointing to the phone or standing at the window and shouting Granny as you come to play but they never will. They will never know how inexplicably excited she was about their arrival completing our whole family. They will only ever know what she looks like or sounds like from photos or videos. Their lives don’t get to be so incredibly blessed with a selfless woman like her in it.

I have found myself breaking down the last few days more than I have for a long time. Grief is a cheeky old thing; it lets you plod along thinking you’re ok then it decides to pull the rug from underneath you and knocks the wind from your sails and the cycle starts again. I will never ever break free from this cycle nor do I want to. I will never ever ever stop grieving for quite simply my favourite lady ever. No one can or will replace her or the legacy that unfairly, is all I have left.

So – how do you cope with grief? I have no bloody idea. It appears that I am. I’ve managed 14 months when 14 days seemed like an eternity but I have to. There’s three people that need to me cope so I will. I must. But you know what I bloody miss you Mom. So so incredibly much. Now and forever and ever – I won’t ever forget you Mrs!

B xx

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15 Comments

  1. 26th June 2015 / 7:31 am

    I have nothing useful to say, I just really wanted to send you a hug xx

  2. 26th June 2015 / 9:24 am

    Oh sweetie, my heart aches for you reading this. Mums are so special and I can’t imagine life without mine. I have no useful advice I’m afraid and I think in a way you are right, you will never stop grieving for loved ones, but it does get easier to live with over time. Thinking of you xxx
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  3. 26th June 2015 / 11:18 am

    I honestly can’t imagine what you are going through, I really wish I knew anything to say that would provide any comfort. I just want to say that I think you are so brave, sharing how you are feeling, sharing with us all how wonderful your mum was.
    Jenni – Baby Odd Socks & Lollipops recently posted…WOTW – MotivationMy Profile

  4. 26th June 2015 / 12:02 pm

    I think getting up each day, looking after your family and keeping going is so very strong of you, and I have no clue what else you can be doing to ‘cope’. I cannot conceive of my world without my mum in it, though I know that day will come one day. I can offer no solace, only send hugs and tell you that I’m thinking of you xx Thanks for sharing with #WotW
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  5. 26th June 2015 / 1:09 pm

    The thought of my mum no longer being with us makes my heart constrict and throat tighten and I don’t know how I would cope without her.. Other than to do what you are doing and just get on with things, because there is no other choice. Hugs lovely you sound very strong and your mum sounds like she was a wonderful lady xx #wotw
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  6. 26th June 2015 / 5:10 pm

    I don’t have any useful advice either, but I would probably say what Jocelyn has said-that keeping going is strength enough for now. And acceptance perhaps, that this is how you feel. Some days will be slightly more bearable than others, and that this is OK too xx
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  7. 26th June 2015 / 6:23 pm

    Oh hun,I haven’t lost my Mum but my Nan passed away of cancer 2 years ago and it was the first time I’ve dealt with real grief and my world fell apart.The guilt,the sadness,the anger at them leaving you and the reluctant acceptance they’ve gone.I still drive past her house and think “I’ll just pop and see Nan..” and then realise I can’t.Only now can I think of her without sobbing but with fondness and laughter at all the times she got me in trouble with my grumpy stepdad for giggling at the dinner table.I don’t think the pain ever goes away we just get that little bit stronger.Lots of love xx
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  8. 27th June 2015 / 7:50 pm

    It is good you have a blog to write down feelings, everyone journey is different. Just take step by step and hold on to the happy memories X

  9. 28th June 2015 / 2:02 pm

    sending you lots of love and hugs. As you know i lost my mum ten years ago now and i would say you learn to cope with grief by getting use to them not being around, you learn to live with the grief. Birthdays, Christmas and anniversary’s are rubbish and sometimes a song or a smell can make you remember and you break down and cry, but it does get easier. You never forget and you never stop thinking it’s unfair and every single day you will think of her , she will be in your heart forever and i imagine she would be very proud of you for carrying on being a ace mum to your children xxx
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  10. Rebecca Cusick
    29th June 2015 / 9:18 am

    I don’t think it ever gets easier. I lost my mum at 15 and 7 years on I still sit and cry nearly every single day. It’s not always tears of sadness, it just hurts more that she’s not here to share my moments of happiness with me. Big hugs xxx

  11. 29th June 2015 / 11:00 pm

    I have nothing useful to add for you or to say other than IT SUCKS and I am sending you massive hugs DUCK. You are not alone, not alone in the unfairness that is taking a parent too young, not alone in the grief you are feeling, not alone in the anger at disease and death that rob your children of the grandparent you wish they had. You are not alone, even if it feels that way at time. Please do reach out and shout. I can’t tell you I know what its like to lose my mum, but I do know what its like to lose my dad.

    Duck.

    Sending you a massive hug xxxx
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  12. 11th February 2016 / 9:09 am

    Beth, I can relate to all this so much. I am seven months on now, and though it’s getting easier, it will always be there and there are some really tough days. Sending love xx

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