My Christmas Message

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I love Christmas. It’s the most amazing time of the year. I get this buzz in my tummy as soon as the calendar changes to December. I’m frenzied buying and wrapping gifts. Itching to get the tree up and house decorated. But this year it’s different. Christmas leaves me empty, cold and uninterested in any of it.

I’m sorry if I appear a Grinch or a miserable bitch but I’ve never had to deal with grief and I’ve never spent a Christmas without my Mother. Christmas will never be the same. The buzz has gone and has been replaced with this irrepressible pain and emptiness. I don’t want to drag you down so my smile is there but when you ask me – sometimes I can lie but other times no – I can’t particularly have a happy Christmas. I’m sorry. I don’t want to dampen your festive mood. I’m sorry.

I hope that all who have told me to cheer up or get into the festive spirit are lucky enough not to have had to deal with this crap. I will hide my disillusion from my three children as I want them to have an amazing Christmas like I always had. But please – before judging and criticising others – think. It’s the most wonderful time if the year – but is also a day which throws the biggest spotlight on the fact that not everyone gets to sit around the table and there’s one less set of presents under the tree. And that’s hard. Painstakingly hard.

I mean it with every part of me when I say I hope you have a lovely Christmas. But just be gentle and patient. This is the first of forever – a forever without my wonderful irreplaceable Mommy.

Merry Christmas all xx

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10 Comments

  1. 22nd December 2014 / 8:27 pm

    Aw I really feel for you, I lost my mum nine years ago when I was 21 and ever since I lost her Christmas has lost that bit of magic and is just not the same . The first Christmas is by far the worst but it does get a bit easier as time goes on honestly ,you will always miss her especially on special occasions such as Christmas but she will always be in your heart and you will have so many lovely memories to treasure of her. Xx
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  2. 22nd December 2014 / 8:29 pm

    Merry Christmas Beth. I had a conversation with my 10 year old Little Brother yesterday. He said he enjoyed last Christmas with Grandpa and then stopped and said he shouldn’t have said that. You see, Grandpa died in April and this year there will be a gap at our table and a gift missing from under the tree too. I explained to my Brother that just because we miss someone, doesn’t mean we can’t talk about them, and if we talk about someone and it makes us sad, then that is ok – even at Christmas. I explained that Christmas is an exciting, wonderful time, but for many it can be a very sad and lonely time too. It brings all your thoughts into the front of your mind and you can’t help but think about them.
    I hope as time goes on the sadness at Christmas will get less but this Christmas is bound to be difficult. Thinking of you x
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  3. 22nd December 2014 / 8:31 pm

    Oh lovely. I don’t have anything at all to say that will change any of this – although I wish I did. Thank you for this post, and for the really important reminder that this isn’t the time to judge or criticise, but a time to be patient and caring and there for those that need us. You are strong and brave to make Christmas wonderful for your littles. But look after yourself too. I can’t imagine a Christmas without my most loved ones. I hope your girls bring you much light and love and some kind of joy – although I know it will be very different from always before. Much love xxx
    Kiran at Mummy Says recently posted…Christmas presents for boys – the day Milin asked Santa for dollMy Profile

  4. 22nd December 2014 / 8:40 pm

    I’m so sorry. You deal with this anyway you need to, I can’t even imagine how this feels. I hope you enjoy your memories of other wonderful Christmases with her xx

  5. MyLifeMyLove
    22nd December 2014 / 8:46 pm

    Gosh, my heart goes out to you. I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling without your mummy. It’s ok to hide your smile or to fake your smile. Your children’s smiles will be all you need to capture a little Christmas magic. Your words brought a little tear to my eye and despite fully understanding every word, I do hope you have a lovely Christmas. Sending you lots of love and strength, Ali xx
    MyLifeMyLove recently posted…Mindful Monday ~ Wk 6My Profile

  6. 22nd December 2014 / 8:55 pm

    Hope your Christmas gets by for your children, and hope you have time for yourself to grieve if you need to on the day/season.

    It’s definitely hard (it was my brother and me last year, our mum died in December last year), but you will get through it, and hopefully it will be less painful as time goes on.

    Hugs, and all the best for a less painful 2015.

  7. 22nd December 2014 / 9:10 pm

    Sending you all the love and hugs. I can’t imagine your pain, but I hope you can enjoy some of your Christmas. Those moments that you forget for just a second when your children are beaming with excitement and joy. Here’s to remembering the happy times xx
    mentalparentals recently posted…My First Words Flashcards from Meadow Kids – ReviewMy Profile

  8. 23rd December 2014 / 10:25 pm

    Oh Beth, it is going to be such a tough Christmas for you. My grandad died 21 years ago but I still feel like there’s someone missing at Christmas as he isn’t there. Sending lots of love xxx
    Not A Frumpy Mum recently posted…The Christmas TagMy Profile

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